|This old joke is for the ladies - the even older one below is for the guys!|
'You are a disgusting disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I'm filing for a divorce in the morning.'
'Hang on just a minute' replied the husband, 'at least let me try to explain what happened'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And so the husband began with his excuses:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a ride to the Homeless Shelter. She looked so down and out that I took pity on her and let her into my car. I noticed that she was very thin, poorly dressed, and very dirty. She then explained that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in seconds. Since she needed a good clean up I offered her a shower, which she gladly accepted. While she was doing that I saw that her clothes were really just dirty rags so I threw them in the garbage and gave her some of your old clothes. I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear - just to annoy her - and for good measure I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique but don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please sir, you are so kind and generous - do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use...?'