Sunday, January 3, 2016

"I can't orgasm the 'real' way"

Sarah was fairly sure this wasn't Cowgirl position
The Huffington Post recently published a post titled '10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time'. My reactions to some of those complaints were different to what the author may have intended so I thought I'd share some of them here, and then give you my 2¢ worth afterwards. If you want to read the whole article (and you should) you can find it here.

I can't orgasm the 'real' way"Women who come into my office often tell me they wish they could climax the 'real' way -- through intercourse. The clitoris however, not the vagina, is the center of her sexual and pleasure nerve endings. In fact, only about 15-20 percent of all women can climax during sexual intercourse and even then she needs lots of vibration, manual or oral stimulation to get her close. For those who still want to try likely positions, I recommend two with good G-spot-penile contact: Either woman-on-top at a 45 degree angle, or woman-lying-on-her-back on a relatively firm surface with her hips rocked up (for instance, with her knees hooked around his elbows)." -- Laurie Watson, LMFT, certified sex therapist

My wife has a little bit of this problem - she much prefers 'straight' intercourse to anything else. And by 'straight' I mean she kinda thinks sex should go down like this:
  1. We should kiss a little
  2. My hands should roam over her body
  3. I should grab her ass, squeeze it a bit
  4. Maybe caress her breasts a little - gently, not too roughly
  5. Not so gently that it tickles!
  6. I should play with her pussy - again: gently, not too roughly
  7. Not that gentle - a bit more pressure!
  8. She should be wet now, if I'm doing it right
  9. I'm not doing it right, I should let her squeeze it a bit
  10. That's better - now I should take over while she stretches
  11. Stretching out means she wants me to lick her pussy
  12. Either I'm eating her out right, or I'm not, meaning:
  13. She has her first orgasm, or she doesn't
  14. Either way it's time now to get up and mount her
  15. Insert penis, start thrusting, bring her to orgasm
If she doesn't cum it's because I'm not doing it right, because if two people love each other and really care about each other then when they make love an orgasm ensues. It's a fact, apparently. According to my wife, at least.

We have three vibrators but she says she doesn't really like using them during sex because they are 'unnatural'. And yet when we do use them she cums quite hard, and loudly. Maybe that's why she doesn't like using them - because having a thunderous climax is something your husband should do for you, not a sex toy?

As for positions, my wife admits sometimes she feels languid (a.k.a. lazy) and just wants to lie back and be fucked. She's fine with me going down on her but doesn't want to reciprocate because... she knows I love eating her out and that should be all the foreplay I need. She's actually said as much. She is definitely not interested in mounting me to get a better angle on my dick, allowing herself to stimulate her own clit while she rides me. Because stimulating her is the man's job.

So she lies there and tells me how great it is and asks if I'm cumming now because she wants me to cum. I do but it's 50/50 on whether she cums. She says it doesn't matter because women don't need to cum like men do, and that she enjoyed it anyway because it felt good.

And once again I die a little more inside. Not the little death the French wrote about, I just die a little inside.  Because I can't bring my wife the same pleasure she brings me.

It makes me wonder if I ever did. Were the early years of our marriage a lie? This is the self doubt that kills a marriage.

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Footnote: I'm aware that today's post looks absolutely bleak, so I need to point out that we also have some amazing sex as well*. Which is what I find so perplexing. Everything I've said above is true, and yet there can be other occasions where we do use a vibe and switch positions and do some freaky stuff and... fireworks ensue.  So why are there times when she's just so meh about it all?

(*I'll blog about the good stuff too!)

UPDATE: due to my ineptitude this post was scheduled now, instead of back in November when I started the 10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time series. Case in point: we had sex today. I'll blog about that on Wednesday, when I've written it up.

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Sex last Wednesday