Sunday, January 31, 2016

"I have a lower sex drive than my wife"

Does my wife really have a lower sex drive than me?
Or does she just prefer to play with herself privately?
The Huffington Post recently published a post titled '10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time'. My reactions to some of those complaints were different to what the author may have intended so I thought I'd share some of them here, and then give you my 2¢ worth afterwards. If you want to read the whole article (and you should) you can find it here.
I have a lower sex drive than my wife. 
"I frequently see couples where the man is confused about why he doesn't want to have sex and the woman is the frustrated one. Without a clear answer, I end up asking a ton of questions trying to decipher why. If it's because he feels too dependent or too close to his partner, distancing is the goal. Most commonly, men complain to me about not getting the loving contact they want. He may feel she goes through the motions, treats sex like a chore, or just lies there when he wants more love, contact, emotion and presence. Women sometimes make the mistake of thinking their partners are just trying to satisfy a biological need and treat sex in a perfunctory manner, to 'please' the guy. But this shuts men down; they want more passion than that. I remind couples that passion requires engagement, expression, eye contact and trying to really feel. It's more than touch." -- Brandy Engler, Ph.D and author of The Women on My Couch 
I wasn't going to comment on this because obviously I don't have a lower sex drive than my wife, but... some of the stuff resonates with me. My wife and I can have sex but then I fail to climax (or take a long time doing so) because once we start I begin to feel that she's just going through the motions, ticking off 'sex' like it's a chore, or it becomes apparent she's just lying there. To be fair the latter usually comes about after she's told me "okay, we can have sex, but you have to do all the work". I don't mind doing all the work, but I was kinda hoping for some sort of reciprocal reaction.

The problem for me is that I second guess myself and it starts to feel like I'm raping her (which is not the same as actually raping her). She's letting me fuck her but that's about all - and then when I stop (because I'm not enjoying it) she says things like "See! I think you just like the idea of having sex, but you don't really want to do it".

Well, I did want to have sex with my wife and she agreed to have sex with me, but ... it's like asking someone to play a round of golf and they say 'yes' but then give zero fucks about hitting the ball or getting it into the hole. They just wanna ride around in the golf cart ~ with you driving ~ because anything else would require too much effort.

Women shouldn't just let guys fuck them to 'please' the guy. If you don't wanna do it then don't. And if you are going to do it because you've read about 'maintenance sex' and how sometimes even if you don't want to you find you do want to once you've started... well, both those situations require you to be 'in the game'. Sure, by all means tell him he has to 'do all the work' but give him a little encouragement as he does so, to let him know you're actually there. Otherwise he might as well be fucking a hole in the mattress (in which case he'd rather be jerking off, trust me).

See also: "I'm having performance issues"

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