Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Ideal Mating Ritual: Nature, Nurture, and the Role of Feminism

This is not one of my old posts, but one by Pervertically Virtuous
In the process of recovering my own old posts via email I discovered some of hers. Like me, her old accounts have been terminated, and she seems to have disappeared from the internet. This is a damn shame since I consider her one of the best sex bloggers I've ever had the chance to read and follow. I'm reposting her old posts as a historical archive, and if she ever returns to blogging I'm happy to hand them back to her. 
To be clear: the copyright on this work is hers, and remains with her - I didn't write it and I make no claim to it. (FYI: all links in this post are dead)

Pervertically Virtuous posted: "I recently stumbled across the Maverick Traveler, the blog of an experienced traveler and womanizer who teaches his fellow brethren how to be real men and get laid as much as they can. A post titled Why Brazilian Guys Don't Need Game, But You Do captures "

recovered post on Pervertically Virtuous

The Ideal Mating Ritual: Nature, Nurture, and the Role of Feminism

by Pervertically Virtuous
primitive_mating_ritualI recently stumbled across the Maverick Traveler, the blog of an experienced traveler and womanizer who teaches his fellow brethren how to be real men and get laid as much as they can. A post titled Why Brazilian Guys Don't Need Game, But You Do captures the author's philosophy on gender roles in the sexual marketplace fairly well.
"In Brazil, communication between men and women is what I call "pure." Pure means men like women and women like men. Pure means the men are expected to pursue women by approaching and courting them. Pure means the women are choosers, eventually settling on the man whom they like.  Pure means women don't play games for the sake of playing games (high-value women do play hard to get, though, which is absolutely normal).
It's all pure because that's how men and women are expected to behave biologically — as animal species that live and reproduce exactly like other animal species on this planet. Just like how the sun rises – and will always rise — in the east and sets in the west, the men and women have a certain predefined mating ritual. That mating ritual is practiced in Brazil.
The Western man must learn game [communication between a man and woman with the goal of fucking] because he simply can't get laid using the – natural — techniques that work in Brazil and other (non-Western/feminist) countries."
I don't deny that gender differences in the sexual marketplace exist (in some countries more so than others), with men more likely to be the hunters and women more likely to be the hunted.
What I take issue with is that these gender differences somehow constitute the "pure" mating ritual for humans: a) that they are natural; b) biologically determined and thus immutable; and c) that somehow feminism is to blame for disrupting this natural state of affairs and preventing men from getting laid.
None of these is true.
1. The Male-Hunter/Female-Hunted Mating Ritual is Natural for Humans Because We Are Animals
The argument that this is natural for humans because we are "animal species that live and reproduce exactly like every other animal species on this planet" is preposterous. It assumes that all animal species conform to the Male-Hunter/Female-Hunted system. But there is solid ethological evidence that that is simply not true - there is a vast variety of mating patterns across species. In some, it's the males who hunt, in others it's the females, and in others still it's both. Check out this list of the types of mating systems in the animal kingdom. So, um, which animal species are we supposed to "live and reproduce exactly like"?
There is also substantial anthropological and historical evidence that, unlike most animal species where a single mating system dominates, humans are unusually flexible in this regard. Look at societies before the dawn and outside the scope of Western civilization, and you will find all of the mating systems on the animal kingdom list at some place and time of human history.
In other words, there is no one true, natural mating system predefined once and for all human beings everywhere. Humans are intelligent lifeforms capable of changing their norms, values, and behaviors over time to better adapt to changing environmental and social conditions. Gender roles and mating rituals are no different.
2. The Male-Hunter/Female-Hunted Mating Ritual is Biologically Determined for Humans
I don't deny there are some biologically determined gender differences in sexuality. As evolutionary psychology has argued rather convincingly (in my opinion), some physiological differences between the bodies of men (unlimited sperm, low cost of creating offspring) and women (limited number of eggs, high cost of creating offspring) have likely led to some hardwired psychological differences such that men, on average, desire and pursue casual sex and sex with multiple partners more than do women.
But I don't think these biological differences are as vast as people like Maverick Traveler make them out to be. Instead, socialization in the West latched onto relatively modest biological predispositions and magnified them tremendously over the centuries. For hundreds of generations, women were TAUGHT from cradle to grave to be coy, passive, and receptive, while men were TAUGHT to be dominant, proactive, and aggressive - even to the point of physical abuse.
Alter socialization to promote rather than suppress female sexual assertiveness, and much of the gender differences in sexual hunting rituals will disappear.
3. Feminism Prevents Men from Getting Laid
There are two parts to healthy and happy sexuality for women and men alike:
a) Saying 'no' to the things you don't want, and
b) Saying 'yes' to or going after the things you do want.
Given greater physical and social power over the course of Western history, men have never had much trouble with either a) or b). But women have. And feminism is a tool that can help women with both.
So far, feminism has fairly successfully curbed the 'rights' of men to abuse women (sexually and otherwise) accomplishing a) to a large extent. That battle is not yet finished and in some cases it may have gone too far, deeming ANY expression of sexual interest by a man for a woman in certain contexts offensive or abusive. But I hope that even people like the Maverick Traveler will agree that, for the most part, giving women equal rights as men and protecting them from blatant abuse has been a positive development compared to previous centuries or other societies that still tolerate such behavior.
What feminism has started but not (yet) managed to accomplish is empower women to fully embrace their sexual desires and actively pursue them. Most women are still deprived the psychological and social freedom to have sexual desires decoupled from romantic love, or voice such desires openly and honestly. Because, while some progress has certainly been made, we still live in a world that treats women as sluts for being too sexual, or as crazy for being too forward.
Granted, helping women say 'no' is easier than helping them say 'yes'. You can create laws to send someone to jail for violating someone else's 'no'. You can't exactly create laws to send someone to jail for failing to say 'yes' when she wants to. But that is not to say that b) is mission impossible. Norms and attitudes change slowly, but they change.
If we created a world where unbridled female sexuality was welcomed and celebrated rather than shamed and shunted, and women were encouraged to approach men as much as men are encouraged to approach women, many more women would become approachable, say 'yes' to offers, and actively approach men themselves. Perhaps men would still want more sex and do more of the approaching, but the gender differences will be much reduced. And everyone would be getting more sex with more people, without needing to resort to force, coercion, tricks, or 'game'.
In the quest to create such a world, feminism (at least of the sex-positive kind) is our key ally. Feminism is about female empowerment and gender equality, and being able and willing to respond positively to the advances of a guy you like or approach him yourself is the pinnacle of empowerment and equality.
Of course, that doesn't mean that all women will be (or will be expected to be) highly sexual, forward, and promiscuous. Many will not be. But that will be due to choice, not force.
I think a world where both men and women are encouraged and allowed to be both hunters and hunted (depending on the situation and their personal preferences) would be a better place - and better suited to our modern living conditions - than one where all men are (expected to be) hunters (aggressive to the point of committing sexual abuse) and all women are (expected to be) hunted (passive to the point of acquiescing to sexual abuse).
Don't you?
Pervertically Virtuous | January 20, 2014 at 10:48 am | URL:

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