Sunday, February 7, 2016

"I have a lower sex drive than my husband"

The Huffington Post recently published a post titled '10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time'. My reactions to some of those complaints were different to what the author may have intended so I thought I'd share some of them here, and then give you my 2¢ worth afterwards. If you want to read the whole article (and you should) you can find it here.
I have a lower sex drive than my husband."Many women tell us that they either have never felt much desire or their desire has dropped considerably over the course of their life or relationship. There can be many underlying reasons why women are experiencing low desire. They might have had a lot of negative learning in their lives telling them that they were not supposed to want sex, they might not have been able to express their main fantasies or changing sexual desires to their partner or they might be feeling emotionally disconnected. This problem can often lead to sexless marriages or relationships. In the case of low desire, women need to get back in touch with their bodies and learn to ask for what they want. It can take time to address and requires patience, understanding and a willingness to learn on the part of their partner." --​ ​​Danielle Harel, Ph.D and Celeste Hirschman M.A
One of the drivers for this blog was for me to understand why my wife doesn't want to have sex with me. As I've noted elsewhere I can't say she has a low libido since she reads a lot of erotica (and I mean A LOT!), most of it via but she also buys it via Amazon for her Kindle. So this means the problem is not that she doesn't get aroused, it means she's not aroused by me. It's not that she doesn't love me, it's just that she's been having sex with me for over 20+ years and she's bored.

That's usually a trait ascribed to men, but obviously it 'afflicts' women too - hence the plethora of suburban sex swap parties for those looking to 'swing'. When women find they can't keep their husbands interested they usually buy some slutty lingerie, or shave their pussies, or take it up the ass, or anything else they can think of to renew his amorous desire. As for me, well, none of those apply. Almost none, that is.

I have posted previously a piece by Pervertically Virtuous about 'non-specific arousability' and I think that applies to my wife. She craves shiney new things during the day, so it shouldn't have surprised me that she craves shiney new things at night too. Once I discovered what filthy little stories she was reading I was able to get a sense of what she was into and I tried to incorporate them into our sex life. It wasn't easy, especially since she would (and still does) refuse to admit what her fantasies were.

I have had some success by 'surprising' her by incorporating a little assplay, anal, or rough sex into our sexual routine - in order to keep it from become routine. I've also varied the times and places we have sex, so that too doesn't become routine. She has responded in the past very positively to it all, but at the same time she refuse to admit to herself what or why she gets off. Ladies - you want to be dominated then admit it, if you want to be spanked then admit it - how else is your man meant to know?

In my case we seem to be back to 'routine'. My wife often tells me to wait until later (night time) so we can do it in the bed, and any anal action is now well and truly off the table. I believe that in her mind she 'gave it a shot' but the bad times outweighed the good times, so she's nixed it. For my part I think we never really discussed it properly and she never gave me any feedback whatsoever about what she enjoyed and how I could make it better. Sometimes she would cum, other times she wouldn't, and I was the none the wiser as to why.

As any therapist will tell you: honest communication is the key to a happy marriage. Tell him what you want, and don't be scared he'll think you're a dirty whore. He might even like that!

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