Sunday, February 14, 2016

"I want to feel more emotionally connected to my partner"

It's Valentine's Day - why did I choose to schedule this post now?
It's a bit of a downer!
The Huffington Post recently published a post titled '10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time'. My reactions to some of those complaints were different to what the author may have intended so I thought I'd share some of them here, and then give you my 2¢ worth afterwards. If you want to read the whole article (and you should) you can find it here.
I want to feel more emotionally connected to my partner 
"I get a large number of men who call me from all over the country who tell me they struggle to 'feel' -- meaning, they don't love deeply or have sex with passion and they want that to change. I think its notable that most of these guys are in their late 20s or 30s. They're past the stage of hooking up and they want to love their partner. I think they're trying to integrate sex and love after years of separating the two. Men aren't usually socialized to be emotionally expressive, unfortunately, but when a woman can be instrumental in opening that up in him, it's truly powerful." -- Brandy Engler, Ph.D and author of The Women on My Couch
I got nothing to contribute here, and not just because it's Valentine's Day. I was always very connected to my wife in my late 20s or 30s. The problems occurred in the mid to late 40s as my wife decided to take her own path. This was a result of her success in business - when you're running a company with direct personal control over 100 people you get used to telling people what you want, demanding a result, and ~yes~ being 'The Boss' and telling them what to do. And expecting them to do it, whether they liked it or not.

That spilled over into our relationship. She was making 'the big bucks' so she felt she should be able to call the shots. Like any good manager she always sought my input, but being no dummy I could see when she was trying to manage me towards a desired outcome ie what she wanted, and done her way.

Where are we now? We're still together, still happy, but I'd be happier if we were more connected. We seem to play together-but-separately, like kindergarteners. Our connection is our daughter and the life we have created together these past 20+ years. My wife increasingly does her own thing now, and I suspect this will be the first year she tells me she wants to vacation alone (but with a girlfriend, of course, just not with me). 

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