Wednesday, March 30, 2016

"Consent alone is a low bar for sex"

Part of the problem IMO is magazines like Cosmo,
'teaching' young women how to give HIM the best blowjobs, etc
The full headline for the Salon story is "Consent alone is a low bar for sex: “We have become more comfortable talking about girls’ victimization than girls’ pleasure”" and it caught my eye while I was writing my answers for yesterday's TMI Tuesday post (specifically Q4)

It's a great interview - Peggy Orenstein talks to about empowered sexuality, sex ed, and what "purity ball" culture gets right. Her comments about consent relate to the emphasis we place on encouraging young women/girls to only have sex if they want to, but then we do nothing to tell them they should only do it if they want to and enjoy it themselves! Too many young women are willingly having sex but are not getting any pleasure from it themselves - other than being pleased they got the guy off. 

Here's just a few excerpts, but do read the full interview here.

MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS :~ I’m not going to tell you to go right now and buy a copy of Peggy Orenstein’s “Girls & Sex.” I’m going to tell you to buy two copies: One for yourself, and one for the teenager in your life. Because kids — boys and girls, gay and straight — need to understand not just what a new generation of girls is doing in their intimate lives. They need to know what they’re not doing. Like when they’re not saying no to stuff they’re not into, because it’s easier than arguing about it. Like when they’re not asking themselves what feels good — for them. And it’s high time, in a cultural moment fraught with sexual panic about hookups and sexting and questions of consent, to shift the conversation — and to fight for young women’s right to orgasm. One of the things that bums me out is seeing young girls who can be so empowered and forthright everywhere else, and then in private they don’t even know that they’re allowed to want things. They’re giving sexual favors and getting nothing in return. 
Peggy Orenstein:~ One of my favorite stories is talking to girls about the nonreciprocal thing and saying, “What if guys asked you to get a glass of water, over and over, and they never offered to get you a glass of water? Or if they did, it was totally begrudging?” They would laugh. It’s less insulting to be told that you’re never going to have reciprocal oral sex and you’re always going to be expected to go down on a guy than get him a glass of water.
Look at research: When we talk about sexual satisfaction, we’re not talking about the same thing. Young women tend to measure sexual satisfaction by their partner’s satisfaction — which is why lesbians are more likely to have orgasms. They’re like, “I want you to feel good! No, I want you to feel good!” Heterosexual girls will say, “If he’s satisfied, I’m satisfied.” 
Boys are more likely to measure sexual satisfaction by their own orgasm and their own pleasure. On the flipside, when they talk about bad sex they use completely different language. Boys will say, “I didn’t come or I wasn’t that attracted to her.” Girls will talk about pain and humiliation and degradation. Boys never use that language. We’re talking about really different experiences going into it. 
I think all of those things that have grown more intense in an age when the culture has grown so visual and so focused and even more saturated in sexuality. You have a hookup culture where sex precedes intimacy rather than the other way around. And that’s not saying, “Only have sex in relationships,” because that’s not true. It’s not a moral judgment. We’re not saying, “Oh heavens.” We’re saying, what are you getting out of your sexual experiences? What do you want to get from those experiences? What are you entitled to, and how do you get there? 
What I wanted to do is say, this is what it looks like. This is what you’ll probably get out of it. This is what you won’t get out of it. Once you know all that, you make your informed choices. Otherwise, the choices are just presented by the media and it’s like, we rip off half our clothes, we have intercourse with nothing preceding it. We both have orgasms in three seconds and it’s great. Then real girls go into real encounters and think, “What’s wrong with me?”....

Full interview continued here 

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