Sunday, March 6, 2016

"I want to spice up our sex life but my partner isn't interested"

I'd suggest you take 'baby steps' when it comes to expressing your
dirty desires secret fantasies to your partner if spicing things up.
It's best not to jump from 'vanilla' to 'harcdcore BDSM' on the very first go.
The Huffington Post recently published a post titled '10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time'. My reactions to some of those complaints were different to what the author may have intended so I thought I'd share some of them here, and then give you my 2¢ worth afterwards. If you want to read the whole article (and you should) you can find it here.
I want to spice up our sex life but my partner isn't interested 
"People frequently tell me they want more variety in the bedroom. As time goes on, partners may express more desire for novelty or feel more comfortable letting their partner know they have certain activities they want to explore. While one partner might enjoy getting a few slaps on the behind or experimenting with anal play, the other may not want to try. It's a sex therapist’s responsibility to assess for openness to change and underlying tensions that the couple may not be discussing initially." -- Sari Eckler Cooper, LCSW
As I mentioned in last Sunday's post, my wife and I did try to spice things up in the bedroom a few years ago. It worked for a while - and then it didn't. My wife got herself a Brazilian, twice, because she knew that was something I'd like. And I did, I went nuts for it because OMFG oral sex is soooo fucking awesome when she's bare!!! Maybe that's why she decided that she didn't want to do it again - did I enjoy it too much? (But she did do it again).

The second time she did it was actually a little soul destroying (for me). It was a Thursday, my birthday, but we didn't have sex. She waited until Saturday to have sex with me because I don't @#%ing know why. At which point she presented her bald pussy to me (two years after the first Brazilian) said "Ta-dah!" and told me it was time for my birthday treat. I was naturally thrilled (despite it actually being 2 days since my birthday), but when I dove down there I discovered a 3 day re-growth! I didn't think it would be a problem, but it was.

Ladies, if you like to kiss a man who's clean-shaven you'll know it's quite different when you kiss him when he hasn't shaved for three days - it's a whole different feeling. In my case not only did I discover that 3 days re-growth 'down there' makes a big difference to the smooth clean oral experience you were expecting, but it also reminded me that my wife decided to delay 'birthday sex' to the weekend because she couldn't be assed fucking me on my actual birthday. I mean, seriously, WTF?!

It crushed my self esteem. My wife went to the trouble of getting her pussy waxed for me, but then couldn't be bothered actually following through. Me, the Birthday Boy. (You probably thinking I must have said or done something to piss her off, but trust me, I didn't)

The other thing we did to try and spice things up was to try anal. I doubt we were the first couple to try anal to spice things up. Results may vary, let me tell you now. My wife was always against doing it ("it's an exit, not an entrance") but she had for some time been secretly reading a lot of dirty stories on Literotica, and I noticed that she would occasionally delve into the Anal genre. So, given what the therapist had said we gave it a try. (FYI - the therapist never said 'you should try anal' she just told us to 'try new things, things you may not have done before).

I've blogged about that anal stuff previously too. Some times it worked other times it didn't and in all I don't think we ever mastered that act. Part of this was my wife's refusal to give me any feedback on which parts were working and which bits weren't. Yes, I do know that sounds too clinical, but the therapist also said we need to communicate openly and honestly with each other when we tried acting out on our respective fantasies. And trust me, if you get Anal sex wrong it's painful for at least one if not both of you!

Anyway, I'm talking too much and it's all TMI so I'll stop now.

My advice to you is that if you want a relationship to last you definitely need to spice things up in the bedroom, and open communication is the key. The problems come when your partner decides they don't really want all that spice in their life. I'm not sure where you go from there - back to the therapist?

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