|Ideas roll around in my head, circling backwards and |
forwards - but they're all bad twisted thoughts
Okay, Abstinence isn't the right word since abstinence is voluntary. Celibacy? Well, I'm not choosing to be celibate either. If you know the word I'm looking for, leave it in the comments section below. Torture is getting closer, but also not it.
The point is: the prolonged lack of sex is affecting my brain chemistry. I'm doing crazy things, I'm become obsessed with even crazier thoughts. I can't sleep at night and I spend a lot of time tossing and turning. On Saturday night I was up until 7.30am - when my body finally passed out. I slept until noon (more about that on Wednesday).
But this is what's been happening, and I don't like it:
One night I resolved that if my wife didn't fuck me on my birthday this year it was 'a sign' that I should sleep with prostitutes. (Because I'm so old and fat, who else would sleep with me?) For those that missed my first blog... my wife has in recent years failed to have sex with me on my birthday, believing (in her mind) that because we had sex at the weekend that was my 'birthday sex'. I don't think marriage obliges you to have sex if you don't want to, but I also have to wonder where the relationship is headed if you can't be fucked fucking on your partner's birthday. (See yesterday's post for more on this subject)
Last week I found myself on Facebook flirting via FB Messenger with an old flame. She was into it and it escalated quickly into sexual banter, before we both went 'whoa' and backed off. Luckily we're both married* and live on opposite coasts. I had no intention of acting on it, but I was surprised at myself and how 'desperate' I obviously was to connect with someone on a more intimate level. (*She only got married a year ago, jus' saying)
Another time (various times, actually) I found myself making plans in my head as to how I could ask a woman I know on Facebook out for coffee or a lunch. I tell myself it's okay because we both know I'm married (she's just split with her husband three months ago) so nothing will happen, right? We can just hang out and be friends, because I'm sure she needs dating advice from the male perspective, right? Oh yeah, we've only met once IRL - at a party about 2 years ago. We hit it off (my wife was present) and have continued our connection via Facebook. 'Connection' as in: we occasionally like each others stuff and occasionally comment on each others stuff. THAT'S TOTALLY FUCKED UP, I KNOW!!! And yet at about 5am on Sunday morning it made perfect sense and I was totally going to do it.
Luckily I didn't.
It's not good and I don't like it, but now I have a greater understanding of why some people have affairs. I'm not talking about the horn dogs, but the 'normal' people - the ones you always thought would never cheat on their spouses, and surprise the hell out of you when they do.