Wednesday, March 2, 2016

What is the definition of Irony?

The first rule of BNG is...
don't talk about BNG

What is the definition of Irony? The official definition makes no mention of my wife...

    • a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions is clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
      noun: dramatic irony; plural noun: tragic irony

So this happened last night...

My wife went out for dinner and drinks with some of her Business Networking Group (BNG), and came home about 11pm. The group met at 3pm, discussed all their business, gave each other feedback and solutions for their respective business problems, and then followed that with drinks at a bar, followed by dinner at some new fancy restaurant. That is how her BNG works, it happens every month. (If you want me to get really precise, her BNG is a sub-group of 6 people, who make up a larger group in our area - each 'pod' of 6 meet separately once a month to mentor themselves, and the wider group also meet quarterly, as well as for various business events through the year - does that make sense?)

Regular readers will know I don't like this BNG since they're 95% guys and I know they all want to sleep with my wife. It's not their fault - they're Alpha Males, that's what they do. My wife used to argue that they weren't like that (she's been in this BNG for 3 years now) until even she couldn't deny that half the men were on the make. And probably half the women too, based on what I saw when I joined her on a 'conference' the BNG staged last year. So my wife switched gears and insisted she wasn't like that, they all knew it, so I had nothing to worry about.

Oh, well, that makes it better!

Anyway last night she came home tipsy (as always, when she's with these guys) and gushed to me about how naughty all the boys were that night. What happens in BNG stays in BNG, so she swore me to secrecy (yeah, sure babe, now spill...) and then she told me about how half the guys in the group were headed out to a strip club after dinner, and wink wink...

Wink wink meant they were out to get laid, if you hadn't figured that out. My wife knew this because one of the guys* in the 'pod' explained it to her as he walked her six blocks back to her car. My wife was shocked! but her eyes lit up as she told me and she had a big grin on her face - she was loving it. She then told me how two of the guys were married and the other one was single ('so that's okay, I guess' she admitted) but they were all such dirty dogs. Dirty dirty dogs!

My wife then gave me a big hug and told me what a great guy I was, and how glad she was that I wasn't like them. I smiled and said thankyou but inside I was thinking 'and yet you clearly admire these guys and even now you don't really seem that displeased by their behavior'. To cap it off she then explained to me that Bill (married) was such a naughty man and had tried to get it on with her friend Julie at the conference last year, and my wife wasn't really that sure that they didn't because she doesn't think Julie (also married) told her everything. (Naturally my wife has never mentioned this story before, only doing so now because she was tipsy and in full swing)

She then dished further, explaining that Steven hadn't had sex with his wife for 5 years because after their second child she just told him she didn't like it any more and didn't want to do it - but he was welcome to find his pleasure elsewhere as long as it was a one night stand and he didn't get attached to anyone. Which apparently he did last year before the other guys in the 'pod' told him to break it off with his new girlfriend because that would jeopardise his agreement with his wife - they all told him he was crazy to risk the 'free pass' his wife had given him. Or, more correctly, did he really want to risk half his wealth going to his wife when she divorced him because she found out he had a mistress?

"FIVE years!!" exclaimed my wife again "can you imagine not having sex with me for five years?"

I didn't answer because it was a rhetorical question and my wife wasn't waiting for an answer - she was tipsy and ranting on and on (repeating herself) as drunk people do. But of course I was imagining exactly that - we've gone without sex for two months plenty of times so it's not difficult for me to imagine that stretching out to six months, then twelve, then... ugh.  Just last week I posted about this awful state of affairs.

So my wife was telling me how I was the best guy ever, and how lucky she was to have me, and how all the other women in the BNG kept saying the same to her (which makes me wonder if she's discussed 'straying' with them and they've tried to reassure her what a swell guy I am) so I naturally wondered if this might mean she might feel moved to have sex with me that night. Given past history her juices should be suitably oiled, right?

  1. She'd been hanging out with a bunch of attractive, Type A, dynamic men - all night
  2. They always make her the center of attention (being the only woman there)
  3. There would have been a lot of sexual banter/discussions as the wine flowed
  4. She'd drunk a lot of wine
  5. One of the guys* had walked her back to the car, and since I know he's hot for her there would have been a sexual frisson
  6. She'd drunk a lot of wine

But I forced that foolish notion from head, and was proved correct. As soon as my wife had finished all her stories she got up, said she had to be up early for a meeting, and toddled off to bed. There was no invitation to join her, no lustful come to bed look in her eye...

This is how you wake up one morning and realise you haven't had sex for five years...

*I must blog about this guy since there's clearly a spark between them. She talks about him all the time, and always in glowing terms. For his part he clearly has the hots for her, and is always planting himself next to her at social functions. Once at dinner he even sandwiched himself between us! Ordinarily anyone would observe all this and say 'Oh, they're definitely having an affair' but for one small thing. Actually, a big thing... the guy is huuuge! He's larger than me, so if she thinks I'm too fat then he must be well out of the equation surely? Unless she sees him as Big Bear...

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