Saturday, April 30, 2016

My 'Messenger Chat' with Jo ~ Wed, Jan 13, 2010 ~ Part 2

My wife actually had a set like this when I first met her, but I had no idea what they were for.
Neither did she apparently, since we never used them. They got thrown out a long time ago.
I previously mentioned how I found myself involved in an online affair with a women we'll call Jo (not her real name, obviously) back around 2009/10. You can (and should) read the background of that here. Then I found buried waaaay back in my email archives a copy of a chat session I had with Jo, which will give you some indication of what our exchanges looked like. Part 1 is here, and this is the rest of that chat session.

They read quite lame now, but at the time we were infatuated/crazy for each other. I guess we were both looking for solace from our unhappy marriages and found it via text and cam chats. Unfortunately there is no video to go with these words, but as you read it you will hopefully be able to get an impression of what was happening as we cammed. As you know if you've ever chatted 'live' with someone, you invariably end up typing something as the other one is also typing or sending something new, so there may be parts where we each 'talk' over the top of each other. I'm sure you'll figure it out:

Jo steps into the shower, having clipped her camera to the shower curtain rail 
to give me a perfect view - she then proceeds to soap herself all over, 
and touch herself all over, before zeroing in on her pussy and clit. 

mmmmm all soapy
(we'll have to save love-making for the bedroom)
showers are for dirty sex!

the phone rings, it's my mother - I pick it up and quickly tell her I'll call her back

hello mother I'm talking to my naked girlfriend.... could you call back later?
wow! you could hear me?
I told her you had bigger boobies than my wife's
well, she wanted to know why I had a GF
for shame
Jo wags her finger at me as she exits the shower
a spanking for u
sorry babe, but the mood I'm in...
its YOU who will get all the spankings!!
Jo turns and smacks her own butt
yeah - just THERE!
looking for the handprint
very light
spread 'em and I'll lick you!
i wish
oh - you are SO asking for it
my cock is hard again
I'm in a horny mood too
you trying to kill me?
what color underwear shall i wear for you today lover?
mmmmm - what u got there?
pick a color
i probably have it
anything see-thru?
no orange or yellow tho
oh yeah i'm sure i have see thru
well put on something see thru and lets keep going
you can get comfy and play with your self
i wish
(if u have time?)
gotta leave in 15 min

Jo moves camera to her pussy and spreads her lips for a close up, 
whilst diddling her clit with one finger

soooo tempting
tomorrow i promise
but i have a meeting

Jo returns with two handsful of panties, 
and begins holding them up to the camera for my approval

that's the one I was thinking of!
the first one!
well there - I'm wearing the panties u picked...
i like that a lot!!!
mmm TY
this is the 1st time in my life I've understood those kinky letters about women walking around all day with Ben Wah balls or a Vibrating Butterfly
(I don't even really know what the latter is)
i do
but I'm sure you'll be thinking sexy thoughts of me anyway
of course baby
I don't have one
I've seen them advertised
I'm not sure what the balls are tho?
I haven't!
or what they're for?
oh, I know that part
you insert them (two) and they jingle around inside you evidently
they don't fall out?
LOL - I really don't know!
are they for stimulation or strengthening?
i could see them making u kegel
both, I'd guess
well the butterfly just fits over your clit
and some have remotes
they buzz
yeah - but wouldn't that be noisy?
one would think
i think some just have.....
what will [Jo's husband] say when you bring him lunch and he hears a buzzing sound?
u gonna get me one ?
yeah - and have it programmed on my phone
maybe there's one with an internet-activated remote
I could call u to switch it on
hey we could make a website
cyber toys
for cyber couples
someone has parked the domain name already
too bad 
we can think up another name...
my boobs fall out of this bra
show me how--
its for lowcut dresses n such
ooooh! so where are you going then? that you need a low cut top?
good - I don't want my GF putting it out there for all to see!
pass inspection?
that nice - it shows off your tits without showing everything
there isn't much that doesn't show off my tits i'm afraid
afraid? pfffft - as if!
gotta go sugar
u know me TOO well
yes, i do. now.
and i'm so thankful for that
I saw something on TV that reminded me of you recently
my darling Nero
LOL - I can't actually remember what it was now!
but it had something to do with a woman comfortable/proud of her big breasts
it might have been on The Mentalist
bye darling
i love you so
email me later?
oh! that was quick!
bye my love
see you later
we need to schedule a time tomorrow
i'll email later
love u baby
{heart emoticon}

(*'Out' was our signal that this was our final word because otherwise we'd keep chatting on and on and on, like school kids)

Friday, April 29, 2016

My 'Messenger Chat' with Jo ~ Wed, Jan 13, 2010

This isn't Jo, but it's similar to what happened when we cammed
I previously mentioned how I found myself involved in an online affair with a women we'll call Jo (not her real name, obviously) back around 2009/10. You can (and should) read the background of that here. Yesterday I found this buried waaaay back in my email archives. It's a copy of a chat session I had with Jo, which will give you some indication of what our exchanges looked like.

They read quite lame now, but at the time we were infatuated/crazy for each other. I guess we were both looking for solace from our unhappy marriages and found it via text and cam chats. Unfortunately there is no video to go with these words, but as you read it you will hopefully be able to get an impression of what was happening as we cammed. As you know if you've ever chatted 'live' with someone, you invariably end up typing something as the other one is also typing or sending something new, so there may be parts where we each 'talk' over the top of each other. I'm sure you'll figure it out:

good afternoon!
hi honey 
I'm not in shower yet 
sorry - one min 
ok, no problem
okay honey
I've been eating well - I think I may have dropped a couple pounds!
pants fit better
mmmmmmm - pants!
drop 'em!
oh they're dropped Mr Frisky
mmm now let me set up this cam
yeah lol
hi sugar

Jo has accepted the invitation to view your webcam.
Jo has started viewing your webcam.

hellooooo Gorgeous!!!!!
I love your hair
my kids do too
thats such a different style
[Jo's husband] told me last nite it looks "skanky"

what does he know about skanks? 
or gorgeous beautiful women?
are you eating instant noodles?
uh yeah thats for sure
[talking about her husband] ^^^
it's yogurt
fat free sugar free
so its shower time for me
hubba hubba!
gotta change cam settings
yes, I was wondering if there was a blizzard!
it was on low light from yesterday

Jo steps into shower, having clipped her camera to the shower rail to give me a perfect view
she then proceeds to soap herself all over, and touch herself all over, before homing in on her pussy and clit. The following words (from me) were said/typed at various intervals... 

by god you're an attactive woman!
turn the hot water up - you look cold!
{where's the 'licking lips lasciviously' icon?}
LOL - you do the 'shampoo down the back and down the butt crack' thing on purpose now, don't you?
wicked woman!
mmmmm - LOVE that smile!
(I'm feeling very light headed!)
(you're soaping your 'front')

ooops - I should confess: I've already cum!
but I'm still hard so I'm carrying on....
(but don't use up all the hot water on my account )
god - I so wanna fuck that ass
I love that u love to watch me...
and not in a "voyeur" way either
me, not you, I mean
u can voyeur all u want
but i just like that u like to watch me
I love watching you too - a little too much perhaps
too much?
I almost gave myself a brain aneurysm chasing that second cum
my head HURTS! owwww!
u can't die watching me
that would be the equivalent of me slipping in the shower on cam!!!
I know - that's the ONLY reason I stopped!
very bad
I had an image of my daughter finding me on the floor with my pants around my ankles
and Yahoo Messenger open
yes, exactly - the authorities would want to speak to you!
so what made u pop baby?
I came when you were soaping your front the second time - after you'd read my msg
you looked so wanton
legs slightly parted
mmm i felt wanton
soaping your pussy
yeah - looked almost slutty - and i liked it!
if i had my hands free i would typed some really rude stuff
wish i could hear u say it
'dirty typing' LOL
yeah - it was quite nasty
cos you looked SO sexy
thats (another reason) why i love you
cos im sexy?
thats why I got off so quickly
I was thinking how much I'd love to grab you and fuck you
mmmmm all soapy
(we'll have to save love-making for the bedroom)
showers are for dirty sex!

the phone rings, it's my mother - I pick it up and quickly tell her I'll call her back
the rest of this chat (Jo gets hers) is in Part 2 tomorrow...

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Not so fast Nero!

In Monday's blog I complained about how my wife's erotica tastes had seemingly downgraded from 'Erotic' to 'Romantic' titles. This was after I discovered some Kindle titles she had bought via Amazon. While the post is correct, what I didn't know at the time was that she was also reading some more x-rated stuff courtesy of her old standby:

A recent check of her iPad browser history shows that last Monday was quite a big evening for her!

It still hasn't resulted in any sex for me (and her period is well and truly over, so that excuse is gone) so I am still somewhat despondent - but at the same time I'm pleased because she hasn't (to my knowledge) been reading any porn for quite some time. Let's keep hope alive!!

Below is a long list of the stories she read on Monday. To follow what she was reading start at the bottom of each photo (screengrab) and read up; and then do the same for the next photo (follow the numbers).

What I found interesting was that she has read at least half of the titles before, and also that she read one title (Anne Rides The Sybian) a day after I mentioned a Sybian in my blog A Question About Sex Toys. That's a strange coincidence!

Anyway, once again I find myself marvelling at just how much porn my wife reads (but of course, she doesn't agree it's porn) and yet I still can't get laid. But rather than complain again at length about it you can just read it what I said previously here (and also here).

Tomorrow: A 'Messenger Chat' with Jo (XXX)




Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Running Into People You Know While Stripping

I used to work in a Strip Club - this was my view, every night...

Daily Beast columnist Miyoko Rifkin wrote a story called "The Surprising Truth About Running Into People You Know While Stripping" which caught my eye for two reasons. Firstly, I worked (briefly) in a strip club last century so I have some small knowledge about 'the life'; and secondly I too met women I knew from school who became strippers (and also some who were prostitutes).

There were a few instances that I ran into a friend from high school at the club where I was a house dancer. I wasn’t uncomfortable having them see me perform naked, or even give them a lap dance. The conversation would generally just end in a “damn, I wish I had asked you out in high school” statement. It wasn’t weird, or shameful for me to have been known as a person, and later seen as a stripper. I was both of those things then, and still continue to be. But the dramatic difference I noticed immediately about strip club culture, was the level of humanness and honesty that was allowed because of the level of vulnerability.
~ Miyoko Rifkin 
It really is quite surreal, because often those women (I say women, even though we were all just a few years, or less*, out of High School) were not the girls at school you might have thought would 'fall into' the sex industry. The thing is, when you meet eachother for the first time, you both take a mental pause before both realising "we're both here to make a dollar" and then that's that. Depending on how well you knew them at school you may or may not have conversations reminiscing about the old days, but usually it was just a metaphorical shrug and then back to business.

Sure, at some point there would be the obligatory brief explanation of how they came to be strippers but it was moot - we were both doing what we were doing, and it was what it was. I had the advantage of seeing them naked, and they didn't - because I was the DJ. Sometimes the girls would go into longer explanations because they were nervous but I would always cut them short. I didn't need to hear the longform story because I'd heard them all before. All the girls wanted from me was an acknowledgement I didn't think they were sluts and whores, and they could carry on guilt free.

I was happy to give this 'absolution' because I honestly didn't think they were sluts and whores (even if they were slutty or prostitutes) because who am I to judge? I was a bit of a male slut myself, so what? If you like sex, so what? You're meant to like it!

The only ones who didn't give a fuck what I thought were the ones who'd been in the life already for a few years. WTF did they care if that sophomore kid was now DJ'ing in the same strip club as them? You do your job and let me do mine. By that stage I wasn't the first 'familiar face' they'd seen while dancing and they'd already learnt to work the angle and play the punter as a mark:

"I don't give a fuck, as long as you make it rain sweetheart!!"


*PS - there was one girl I was kinda sweet on in my last year of High School but she was three years younger than me so 'off limits'. We got on really well, and she was crushing on me majorly, but I always kept her at arms length because jail bait, even though she looked and acted a lot older than her years.

When I worked in a strip club I visited another club on one of my off nights - and there she was, on stage! She was about 19 or 20 by then and we chatted later and I have to admit my immediate thoughts were "you're not jail bait now". It was good to see her again but I took it no further (as much as part of me wanted to, as did she) because I got a sense that she was... trouble. She was still the same girl but her innocence was completely lost.

My hunch proved correct when 2 years later she got busted for distributing meth and earned herself a 6 year stretch. I suspect she took the fall for her boyfriend, who was a biker and highly placed in his 'motorcycle club'. I lost track of her after that.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

TMI Tuesday – April 26, 2016 ~ Significant others, lovers, and such

Hey, hey, hey. TMI Tuesday fun is here again. Answer the questions below and post on [this] blog on Tuesday.

They look happy, but he seems older, so it may not last - she'll tire of him

1. Make three true “we” statements about you and your significant other.
a] Our roles have reversed completely since we met. I am no longer the dominant dynamic individual, she is no longer the submissive one who hung on my every word and accepted my lead.
b] We have different ideas about parenting.
c] We probably haven't left eachother (whereas other couples might have in similar circumstances) because we are both not quitters - as in: neither of us want to be considered a marriage failure ie divorced!

2. What is important for your lover to know?
~ As smart as my wife is about other people she is clueless about me. She tells me she has high EQ and yet she has never figured out what makes me tick. I've come to realise it's because she takes me/our relationship for granted. She needs to understand that there are two of us in this relationship and she can't have it all her way every time (see #6 below). I have my needs too.
~ I know it's wrong but I suffer from low self esteem because my wife has no sexual desire for me. Her libido is zero, unless outside stimulus is at play (hormones, a dirty book, meeting other men). My head is in an endless loop: if she loves me why doesn't she want to fuck me? is my stomach too big or my dick too small? if she loved me it shouldn't matter? why doesn't she want to fuck me? is she getting it from someone else? is it because my stomach too big or my dick too small? if she loves me why doesn't she want to fuck me? etc etc. (Yes, I know I sound like a whiney bitch - trust me, I don't articulate these thoughts)

3. What is important for you to know about your lover?
~ My wife is a narcissist and constantly needs new stimulus. I have to let her meet these new people and be the center of their attention. She revels in their attention, especially from men, and I need to accept it and let her do her thing*  My wife wants to be the central cog in the lives of everyone around her, and she will cultivate these relationships and think of herself as the puppetmaster in their lives.

4. Tell us two things that can make your sex life hotter?
~ More frequent sex
~ [She should] accept that I get her off and not have 'lovers remorse' because I'm not young or athletic (like in her stories).

5. Which have you said to your significant other in the last 48 hours (you can pick more that one):
a. I appreciate you
b. I love you
c. I am mad at you (or something similar)
d. You hurt my feelings.
e. Let’s fuck!
~ Okay, call the therapist because my answer is [f] none of the above. Not in the last 48 hours at least, although I have said [b] and [a] (or similar) within the last week. Why we need the therapist is because I don't/won't/can't say [c] [d] or [e] even though I have felt all those things this past week (at some stage). When you've been married as long as we have you do eventually give up on saying how you feel (if it's negative) because it's just not worth the bother/drama (because nothing changes, and she just gets mad and turns it back on me and make sit my fault).

6. Thinking of your current significant other or lover, are they?

a. Good enough until something better comes along.
b. Just what you need but some tweaking, and refining would make him/her a great fit.
c. The person of your dreams, a keeper.
~ Ha! I've felt all of the above at some stage of the relationship, but after 20+ years of marriage it looks like we aint going anywhere. Which is what men always think, isn't it? And then the wife ups and leaves once the kids have left the house, telling the husband "I just can't bear another 20 years with you - I want to live my own life." Which would be funny in my wife's case since I already give her a lot of freedom. As she says about herself now: "I just do whatever I want, when I want".

Bonus: Of all the people in your family, whose death would affect you most? Why?
My daughter, naturally. If my wife died I would be tremendously upset, but if my daughter died I would be bereft. Inconsolable. I feel nauseous now, just imagining it.

*Bonus Bonus - Further to [3] above, please don't be confused by my statement "She revels in their attention, especially from men, and I need to accept it and let her do her thing". I would not entertain the idea of her having 'affairs' and if I discover she is I will leave her. Given her refusal to have sex with me more than once or twice a month - nor let me masturbate - I would consider that a complete betrayal. All I mean is that I need to let her be the Queen of Her Universe, which includes letting other men flirt with her.

Triple Bonus: check out yesterday's post (From Erotic To Romantic) and try psychonalyzing my wife's book choices. (Leave a comment there on what you think it all means).

Tomorrow's Post: Running Into People You Know While Stripping

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). 
Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Monday, April 25, 2016

From Erotic To Romantic

Kindle Romance Selection #1
Regular readers will know my wife used to read a lot of erotic fiction, either on her Kindle or online via, and it's the reason for this blog. I couldn't get my head around some of the stuff she was reading - it was so dirty - and yet it wasn't carrying over into our bedroom.

I didn't worry too much since it meant that when my wife was reading her dirty stories I was at least getting laid - which is the other reason for this blog: getting my head around our waning sex life. Our frequency is once or twice a month now and I'm lucky if half that is penetrative since my wife seems to prefer it without. She claims the friction gives her infections which doesn't sound good for me - I hope it's that and not that she caught something sleeping with someone else.

Anyway, she's just bought (via mail order, because buying via the drug store would be too embarrassing - WTF?) two tubes of KY so as soon as her period is over she says she will trial that. Of course it's been over a week since her period started but I mustn't quibble, it'll be any day now I'm sure. I'm sure because today she bought not one but three new dirty books for her Kindle. I know because she suddenly disappeared to her room and read her iPad all day.

Kindle Romance Selection #2
Based on past behaviour I know when she does that she's bought erotica, which is a forerunner to her
wanting sex with me. So I checked her email and saw ~yes!~ the order confirmations from Amazon.

Then I looked up the titles she bought and I sighed.

They're not 'Erotica' they're 'Romance'. You know, the light stuff. The books where the sex happens not every chapter, like in 'Erotic' titles, but every six chapters and usually towards the end. That's what 'Romance' titles are like, dead boring!

What am I to make of this new development? Can I kiss my sex life goodbye completely now? I recall a famous quote from celebrated English romance writer Barbara Cartland, who when asked if she was as racey as the heroine's in her books replied "personally I'd much rather go to bed with a good book and have a nice cup of tea".

Hardly inspiring is it? I hope my wife doesn't follow suit (she's started drinking herbal teas), I'll keep you posted.

(Click here for an example of her last 'Erotic' Kindle purchases)

Kindle Romance Selection #3

Sunday, April 24, 2016

A Question About Sex Toys...

A question about sex toys... or more correctly: sex toys for men...

I think it's fair to say that in this modern world we are all familiar with sex toys. About half of American women now use a vibrator (source) and that growth in demand has seen a rise in the number of upmarket 'women friendly' sex shops (as opposed to the seedy ones of the 70s) and an explosion of online sales. And with that has come a commensurate increase in the number of media stories about empowered, modern women entering the sex toy business.

Don't get me wrong - I think it's great too. I am all in favor of women getting in touch with their sexuality - I love sex and I want the women I'm having sex with to love it too.

But of course much of the time women are using the toys for solo pleasure, and that's where I start to get a teeny bit jealous. Society says it's okay for women to use mechanical aids to help them achieve orgasm, indeed we have a whole bunch of stores (both retail bricks & mortar, and online) to help them find what they're looking for, but what is there for men? Sorry buddy, you're out of luck,

"But wait Nero, there's a whole bunch of stuff for men in sex shops!"

Yeah, sure there is. They're mostly blow up cheap plastic dolls that once you remove them from the box you realise you've been had, or fake silicon vaginas (or ass) that are so realistic (not) your dick actually wilts when you remove it from the packaging. Yes, the box usually features a Pornstar on the cover, and it might even claim to be a mould of their actual pussy, but no, it's not the same. Nowhere near it. Women on the other hand can get a dildo moulded from an actual Pornstars dick and it will work as intended.

From what I've read online the only thing that really works for men is the Fleshlight (or similar). Since I've never bought one I can't tell you if it does work or not, but there are many who swear by it. But that is ALL you can buy - which does not seem fair given the multitude of different devices women can use to get off.  Dildos, Vibes, Bullets, G-Spot Massagers, and even a ride-on mower Sybian.

Given that it is men who are all supposed to be sex obsessed, and reputedly all start pulling on their dicks as soon as they can form a grip, why is there no billion dollar sex toy industry for men - like there is for women? I suppose one could argue that the billion dollar porn industry itself is the sex toy men use most often - we don't need a mechanical aid as long as we've got something to look at as we pull our cocks - but surely in the enlightened modern world we now live in there should be more on offer, right?

There seems to be a double standard of sorts - it's okay for a women to use sex toys but if a guy does too then there must be something wrong with him. If a woman can't orgasm with her partner the perceived wisdom is that she should try a sex toy, but if a man has the same problem then he's shit out of luck. He should either take a blue pill or man up and admit to his wife he's been cheating because why else can't he do it?

Okay, I'm over reaching a bit there. What I mean is, if a women hears another women saying she can't climax the most likely advice is 'Get a vibrator' (heck, some women are even sharing them with friends). But if the same women says 'My man doesn't cum when we have sex' the most likely response is "is he cheating on you? maybe he's jerking off to internet porn? does he need viagra?"

I'm not sure at all where I'm going with this (most of my blogs are stream-of-conscious rants, if you hadn't already figured that out) I guess I'm just so dis-satisfied with my sex life I'm contemplating sex toys - only to find there isn't much on offer for men. I'd rather have sex with my wife, but since that aint happening as often as I'd like I'm resigned to settling for more solo time. But even that isn't satisfying anymore. The porn is getting boring, and jerking myself off is just making me feel depressed.

UPDATE: I checked out various  Fleshlight online but none of the videos show you how it's used.

UPDATE #2: Unless you check out these clips on PornHub. Call me stupid, but I was surprised to discover you still need to jack the Fleshlight up and down your dick. It has no independent movement, you have to do 'all the work'. That would be like if no-one had invented the vibrator and all women could use to get off with was a dildo. I'm sure many of them would say "well, I might as well just fuck a cock then?".

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Beyoncé’s Lemonade

Beyoncé’s "Exclusive World Premiere Event!!" screens tonight April 23 on HBO at 9PM ET/6PM PT.

If the one hour 'event' is anything like the teaser trailer below we can expect a long form high art high concept one hour music video that is pretty to look at but makes no sense. Which will be the point, because Beyoncé Inc will be wanting us to debate 'WTF was that all about?!' online all the way up until her next album drops. 

It's called Marketing.

I have no doubt there will be plenty of online articles to give us a frame-by-frame analysis from about 10PM ET/7PM PT.  Some of these articles were drafted days earlier, their authors only waiting to fill in the blanks as soon as they see the damn 'Lemonade' show tonight. Because that's how modern journalism is now: you write the story first then get the quotes you need later. It's all about clicks and there's no time to watch a show, analyse it, and then write up an opinion piece. By then your competition will have already posted their "Why Beyoncé's Lemonade Sucked!" and will be winning all the shares. Actually, I predict half of the online articles will be "Beyoncé's Lemonade Just Proved Again Why She Is The Queen B!" because industry sycophants. 

The problem for Beyoncé Inc is that when I see this video:

All I think of is this video:

Which was inspired by this video:

Which was inspired by the old schoolyard rhyme

Friday, April 22, 2016

RIP PRINCE - You Sexy MuthaFunka !!

First David Bowie, and now Prince? 
Damn! I was such a big fan of both and I'm so sad to hear of his passing. Below are the lyrics to one of his biggest hits, which I think are appropriate at this time. Read 'em and weep (but with a smile on your face). I only managed to see Prince live in concert once but he was @#$%ing amazing (I had all his albums) so here are two clips to remind us of what we've lost:

Lets Go Crazy (Lyrics)

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you
There's something else
The after world

A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun, day or night

So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one, Dr. Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

'Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the after world
In this life
You're on your own

And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy, punch a higher floor

If you don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around you
At least you got friends

You see I called my old lady
For a friendly word
She picked up the phone
Dropped it on the floor
(Ah, ah) is all I heard

Are we gonna let the elevator
Bring us down
Oh, no let's go!

Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Let's look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

We're all excited
But we don't know why
Maybe it's 'cause
We're all gonna die

And when we do (When we do)
What's it all for (What's it all for)
You better live now
Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door

Tell me, are we gonna let the elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!

Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

C'mon baby
Let's get nuts

Let's go crazy

Are we gonna let the elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!
Go crazy
I said let's go crazy (Go crazy)
Let's go, let's go
Let's go
Dr. Everything'll be alright
Will make everything go wrong
Pills and thrills and daffodils will kill
Hang tough children

He's coming
He's coming

Take me away!


Thursday, April 21, 2016

The Cam Sex Story - Part 2 (final)

So yesterday I told you about the woman who popped my cam cherry (please read Part 1 first). She was great fun, but it was actually another woman who took it to a whole other level.

Photo © Chaturbate
This other woman and I had really connected online via Facebook and I guess I will have to admit it became an 'affair'. Never mind that we had never met in real life or even seen each other in real life (since we both had fake profiles) we actually got so intensely entwined we 'got married' on Facebook! It all started as a bit of a joke - we both had 'single' status on Facebook but we were both starting to get into a few pickles with other people online. So somehow we decided the solution to our respective woes (Facebook admirers who wouldn't leave us alone) was to get 'married'.

So we both changed our Facebook statuses to 'married' and each listed the other one as our partner. That certainly created quite a stir amongst our little Naughty Friends community on Facebook, and it changed the dynamic between us as well. Once you say you're married you kinda feel married (we both knew we were married to other people IRL) and it wasn't long before she decided we needed to consummate our Facebook marriage. So we cammed.

Again I got out the black tape and claimed 'technical problems' so she couldn't see me but she didn't mind, and bared all. It was funny seeing her for real, in the flesh, and not her fake photo - she looked nothing like I'd expected but in another way she looked exactly as I'd expected. She'd chosen her fake profile pics well, and I was instantly smitten with the real her. She was Beautiful. Voluptuous. Full figured. And Free Spirited. She pulled out her favorite sex toy and introduced me to Mr Blue - I'd never seen a big blue vibrating dildo before.

She lay on the floor in front of her laptop and got her self off with Mr Blue, and I did the same at my end with Mr Hand. It was a genuinely sensuous and highly erotic experience - the first of many. It escalated quickly and got very intense. We were both unhappy with our partners and found fulfilment with each other. We made 'dates' almost every other day - she would cam while in the shower, in the kitchen, or from the living room floor. We'd chat briefly but it wouldn't be long before we'd be getting naked and getting off with each other - yes, by this time I'd put away the black tape since my 'technical issues' were fixed.

I'm not going to debate the morality of what we were doing, but I knew in my heart I loved both my wife and this woman. Let's call her Jo since I'm starting to sound like Bill Clinton by not naming her. I was having problems with my wife, problems I seemed unable to solve, but my new relationship with Jo seemed to be the solution. She filled the void. My wife said she loved me but did not seem to desire me sexually - Jo said she loved me and wanted me sexually. For a few months it seemed like my problems were solved. Sure it was complicated - synchronising those cam dates wasn't easy but with my wife at work, my daughter at school, and Jo doing the night shift at a hospital we found time during the day to get together. Albeit online and not IRL.

Like all good things in life, it couldn't last.

Jo wanted to leave her husband, but I wasn't ready to leave my wife. Hell, I didn't want to leave my wife, I wanted to work things out with her and get our marriage back on track. And that is why Jo and I had bonded so closely. Initially we had both been in the same predicament - unhappy with our marriages - but Jo eventually decided the solution to her problem lay in leaving her husband, not in 'trying to make it work'. After about six months she told me she was leaving him - I said she had to do what she thought was best, but unfortunately I couldn't be her White Knight. I told her I felt terrible, but that there was no way I was going to leave my wife and join her.

She said that it was okay, that I shouldn't feel bad, and that I was a decent and honorable guy who had given her tremendous emotional support to her throughout this difficult time. She assured me she would be fine, and that I shouldn't worry about her because... um ... er ... {gulp} ... "this is difficult for me to say" .... "I'm moving in with this other guy I also met on Facebook, and I've been camming with him the whole time I've been with you. He loves me too, and he's willing to move here to be with me"

Wow! If I'd thought the cam sex was surreal, this was some whole next level shit. The woman I'd been having a virtual online affair with (who I'd never met IRL but had fallen for) had been cheating on me the whole time - not with her husband, but with another man! I felt devastated by the betrayal and at the same time I knew it was ludicrous because I was married and hadn't been prepared to leave my wife. Jo clearly needed a man who was willing to 'rescue' her from her unhappy marriage and had found what she wanted. I was both crushed and yet happy for her.

They're still together too, so all's well that ends well. They're also polyamorous now, so I guess there's an opening for me if I ever find myself single.

La vida loca.

[see one of my chats with Jo here]
Tomorrow: "Beyoncé’s Lemonade"

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

The Cam Sex Story

Not the woman I was camming with, but a reasonable facsimile.
She loved to do toy shows for me - getting herself off as I watched.
I've probably told this story in passing before, but I'll tell it again in more detail. Yesterday's TMI post triggered fond memories so I guess I should spill.

Way back in the very early days of Facebook it was a very Wild West kind of town - nothing like the well ordered society it is today. Facebook now have a very tight grip on their operation, but back in 2006/7 it was focussed on growth (getting more people joining) and they let a lot of things slide that they don't allow today. Like all new technologies, Facebook was used by many for sexual purposes. People would email rude notes and pictures to each other, or link to exterior apps that allowed for more x-rated fun and games.

I didn't plan any of it, but various women would invite me into various 'games' that ran similar to Farmville but were much naughtier. One of them was even called Naughty Friends, and it actually ran within the Facebook platform meaning your browser history only showed you were on Facebook. No one would know that you were sending dirty texts and filthy pictures to strangers you didn't know off Facebook.

As I say, it was like living in 'The Wild West' - there were no rules and it was all very new and exciting. I found that women were very forthright in taking things to a sexual level - I presume it was because they had a near-anonymous opportunity to release their inner sex goddess. Some had specifically set up fake profiles in order to 'act out', but I was fascinated by how many also appeared to be doing the same but under their real profiles. Many women were married or had partners and yet had no compunction about flirting with you and getting very steamy.

It was perhaps a very naive time during those early years, when there was just an assumption of trust that these 'games' would remain secret. I was always paranoid, so I always kept my identity a secret, and made a point of only 'playing' with women well outside of my area. I didn't want anything coming back to bite me on the ass - not to mention I was of course married IRL (but not on my fake Facebook profile).

Using the email chat on Facebook I eventually 'graduated' to having 'cyber sex' with some of these women - all text based but very hot and heavy (and always at their request - I never initiated). I was basically talking dirty to them and they would talk dirty back. I was very good at it and they would often 'refer' me to a friend of theirs, who would pop up out of nowhere and ask me if I wanted to 'play'. These were very long detailed chats/stories that went on for 30-60 minutes. I have no idea if they got off IRL but often their side of the conversation would conclude with "I'm cumming" and then they would thank me and tell me how 'good' I was.

It was quite surreal because when you get a good rhythm going with the other person you really do get in the zone. It was all happening in 'cyberspace' but it could get very intense, and felt psuedo-real.

For my part I never got off on the chats directly. Sure, I would get hard, and I would jack my cock a little, but never to completion. I was so focussed on writing some hot words and creating an erotic scene that it was impossible to get off while typing. But once the chat was finished I would check out some porn and finish myself off that way. The chats were the foreplay but in my own mind I was not thinking about the other woman at all when I finally came. It wasn't like I would chat with 'Jenny' and then imagine I was fucking Jenny as I watched some porn immediately after chatting with Jenny.

So in my own crazy male mind I wasn't cheating - I was just experiencing life's rich online tapestry. Yes, men rationalise their BS in the most amazing ways!

The problem came when some of those women asked to 'cam' with me. I absolutely did not want to show my face, since none of my profile pictures were real. Not that anyone should be surprised, since they were obviously fake: I used stock photos of a young Steve McQueen or Clint Eastwood. I finally accepted one woman's cam request, but put black tape over my camera so she couldn't see me. She could hear me but couldn't see me. I explained it as a technical problem, but she didn't seem to care. She just wanted to giggle and flash her boobies at me.

So she did. While at her work desk, where anyone could have walked by. We chatted for a while and then she said everyone had gone home - so she removed her top and gave me a long hard look. She had a big grin on her face as she fondled her tits and asked me if I liked what I saw. Of course I did! She asked me if I wanted to jack off while she played with her breasts; and I responded with the obvious question: do you want me to jack off while you play with your breasts? Of course she did!

So she popped my cam cherry but it was actually another woman who took it to a whole other level.

I'll tell you about the other woman tomorrow in Part 2, because that was when shit got real crazy.
Real real crazy.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

TMI Tuesday: April 19, 2016 ~ I see you

1. Have you ever had sex in front of other people? What were the circumstances?
~ I've discussed the one and only time before (here). There was also a time (very early in our relationship, before we were married) that my wife took me a for a picnic dinner in the park on Valentine's Day and we ended up having sex on the blanket. She rode me cowgirl style, with our clothes on - because how else? There were other people in the park, each a few hundred yards away (maybe only 50!) but they were doing pretty much the same thing so no-one was checking each other out. -- It wasn't like this.

2. You are invited to Adult Show & Tell. What is it that you will show and tell.
~ I'd probably show old photos of myself, from when I was young, thin, and pretty - back when women were more than happy to have sex with me. Then I'd tell them about the time I met a woman on Facebook and it escalated to my first ever cam sex encounter. We had a few - she loved camming.

3. What part of your body do you like to show off?
~ My smile - that still works on the ladies! The trick is that I usually look like a grumpy bastard most of the time (it's actually just Resting Bitch Face) so when I smile at a woman she takes it as a sign I find her interesting and alluring (I do!!) and that's she's seeing a secret side of me.

4. What part of the human body do you enjoy looking at the most?
~ I'm not a "tits" or an "ass" man, I really do like everything. Tits, ass, pussy, and a nice butthole doesn't hurt either. I respond to most visual stimuli! My advice to women (not that you asked) is to accentuate the positive and ignore the negative. A decent guy will find something about you alluring, so any man that crosses you off his list because he's not happy with your tits, ass, pussy, or legs he really isn't worth bothering with. He should at least find one thing he finds sexy about you and focus on that - lord knows women have been getting by on finding that one thing for eons! Ha!

5. When you watch porn, what is it that you most enjoy seeing?
~ I've been drifting towards anal these past few years, but only because it's the final taboo. My preference is for watching solo women masturbating, with or without toys. I love watching women get off and when she's doing it solo you feel like you're in on her intimate secrets. Does that make me a voyeur? I guess so.

Bonus: Post a pic of your body part that you like to show off.
~ There's nothing I want to show anyone. But since you deserve a 'bonus' here is me talking about the last time I had sex: Jealousy as an Aphrodisiac?

Tomorrow's post: The Cam Sex Story (it's definitely TMI !!)

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). 
Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Sunday, April 17, 2016


Over the years I've read a lot of women (sex bloggers and commenters) saying how much they love 'an old fashioned fingering'. It transports them back their adolescence, when a sexual encounter was often limited to making out and fingering (and maybe some oral) (but always on him - not her, ha!) in the back seat of a car, taking them back to their first time they had sexual pleasure and/or orgasms with someone else.

So I've often tried to spice things up with my wife by returning to those 'old fashioned' methods - but she seemingly prefers we get straight to 'it'. Not directly to it, she still does like a a little clitoral massage, followed by some oral (me on her) ... but then she wants my cock in her.
Thrusting. And. Pounding.

I often wondered why she liked to skip some of the foreplay (ie a long slow fingering) but after watching this video I realise I'd been doing it wrong. Hand on my heart, I thought fingering meant rubbing the clit and pussy until she was wet, and then inserting my fingers and fingerbanging her. Lot's of women love fingerbanging, but as this video shows, not all women like it. I realise now that my wife is also not one of them.

Back to school for me... and some 'homework' later I think!

I suspect the people who made the video below copied the one above, since the advice is essentially the same. But they use fruit to show how it's done...!

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Jealousy as an Aphrodisiac?

I had sex with my wife on Friday night.

That's not normal - so why did I get lucky this time?

Two things happened, both similar, that combined to make my wife desire me.

Maybe desire isn't the right word - maybe she was just metaphorically marking her territory.

Whatever she was doing, it didn't matter - we had sex! It went down something like this:

I took her out to a bar on Friday night because a guy I knew was having a party in their private room. They were all younger (than us), the DJ was good, and the drinks were flowing. We had a good time, chatting to new people, dancing a little, and drinking wine. After about three hours we decided to head home. As we got to the door (of the private room) my wife decided she had to tell the DJ (one of three that night) how good he was.

This is so typical of my wife - whenever we leave a place it takes 20+ minutes because she has to say goodbye to everyone she spoke with that night. It's damned annoying, especially since most of them are new people she'd only just met that night. But that's how she rolls.

So I'm kinda just standing there as she suddenly starts talking to one of the DJ's by the exit - and he's keen to keep her talking because he's a guy and when a hot woman talks to you... Let's just say this is not the first time she's done this, and it's not the first time I've had to stand there watching a guy chat up my wife while he takes sidelong glances at me to see what sort of man does nothing when another man chats up his wife. (What he doesn't know - and they never do - is that I know she's going home with me and has no interest in going home with him, and the second he tries anything serious I'm there like a shot and it's over)

So as I'm standing there and this woman comes up and starts talking to me. She's a hot hipster chick, with ink down one arm, and she gets in real close and starts talking to me like we're old lovers. I'd actually noticed her several times during the party but had never spoken to her - I had this nagging feeling I knew her from somewhere. And now she was talking to me! It was hilarious, because now my wife was noticing me talking to a strange woman, and she couldn't do anything about it because she talks to strangers (men and women, but usually men) at parties all the time.

The woman I'm talking to is really vibing off me, which is fun, but I know she's drunk and if she were sober she may have realised how much older than her I was. My wife finishes her conversation with the DJ and leaves. She gets about 10 feet down the hall and turns to see that I'm still talking to this woman. Or rather the woman is still talking to me - I honestly can't get a word in to let her know I have to go. My wife gets her phone out and takes a photo of me and the girl, but pretends she's taking a photo of the private room.

I finally tell the woman I have to go because my wife is waiting for me, and point to her when asked "where?"  So Tipsy Drunk Inked Girl shrieks "Oh.My.God!" and rushes out to tell my wife what a cool guy I am. Yes, in those few short minutes we'd chatted I had managed to listen to her, let her tell me her problems, commiserate and give her sage advice, and flatter her by telling her she looked younger than she really was. She then told my wife what a lucky woman she was to have a man like me, yadda yadda yadda. This of course flicked a switch in my wife who lit up like a Xmas tree because just as women like to be complimented by other women about their choice of shoes, boots and handbags, so too do they love hearing they picked a good man.

They ended up hugging and kissing, and if I was more inebriated I might have imagined a 3way was possible. Not that it would have been, but when you're drunk and male you think all things sexual are 98% likely to happen. And since I was sober I instead grabbed my wife and we drove home. My wife was slightly buzzed, but now buzzing for a different reason: another woman wanted me. And that's when the second thing happened.

On the ride home she started telling me about how she was sure a friend of hers was wanting to sleep with me, because she was always going on about what a great guy I was. And how lucky she (my wife) was to have me. And ditto for another friend of hers, who also thought she (my wife) was lucky to have a man like me.

"But I don't think she wants to sleep with you" said my wife, "or... maybe she does too!" My wife clapped her hand on my thigh, and finished with "but she can't have you, none of them can - only me"

It was at this point I realised my wife was drunker than I thought. Not super drunk, just tipsy and now slightly aggressive. And possessive.

When we got home we climbed into bed and I initiated: pulling her tight and hugging her closely as I fondled her butt. I may have initiated but all I really did was light the touch paper - she was the one who went off like a firecracker.

It certainly wasn't our usual Friday night.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I finally got some Birthday Sex

I know I promised you on Monday that I would tell you about the 'Birthday Sex' I finally got, a few days after my actual birthday, but to be honest I'm not just feeling it. As I explained then, I find it weird that my wife won't have sex with me on my actual birthday if it's midweek, preferring instead to wait for the weekend because hell, I don't know.

One year (not this year) she took me away for the weekend to a bed and breakfast, but then did not have sex with me - even though I'd discovered some massage oil, lube, and a vibe hidden in her luggage! Yeah, that was a real mind fuck - she'd actually planned to have some wild sex with me but for some reason decided no sex would be better than wild sex (or any sex). That really messes with your self esteem, let me tell you. 

Like me you're probably thinking "She must have a had a reason, you must have pissed her off somehow" but like in Monday's post back then I was on my best behaviour. She'd taken me for a night away from our daughter, she'd bought sex toys... I was gonna get some, right? So of course I was in a chipper mood. I wasn't grumpy, I wasn't making smart ass comments, I didn't look at other women (I never do) so there was no reason for her to feel I didn't 'deserve' a birthday treat. 

As I said on Monday, no-one should ever feel obliged to have sex with anyone - even their partner - but to me the B&B incident really highlights that there is something odd in our marriage. And her period didn't arrive early either, in case you think that was the reason we didn't have sex. Besides, even if it did then maybe she could have told me that - to explain why this Birthday B&B things was only about going on a Wine Trail and visiting a Farmers Market. 

Anyway, as well as the surprise birthday dinner party at our house that I mentioned on Monday, I also got a 90 minute massage voucher at a local spa as a gift from my wife. Very nice, thank you, kiss kiss.

I sat on it for a while, before finally booking myself in last Thursday. I made sure to book a female masseuse, since the last time I went (a few years earlier, when my wife had given me a similar voucher for my birthday, to the same spa) I was given a male masseuse and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Firstly, he was a New Age wuss (complete with a pony tail - who the fuck wears one of those this millennium?) and secondly I do not enjoy having a man rubbing his oily hands over my body for 90 minutes.

Does that make me homophobic?

For me massage is a sensual act and although I don't get my thrills per se from having a woman rub her oily hands over me, I do like to be able to relax and drift off and feel some sort of subconscious sensual pleasure from what is happening. No, I don't get an erection or anything creepy like that, the female masseuse is completely safe. My wife laughed when I told her. I know women get massages from female masseuses all the time without falling into a Lesbian Panic but... well, it's just how I am. 

So this year I shared with my wife a little fantasy. I said after my massage I wanted to come home and have sex with her (my wife) while I was still 'blissed out'.

"Oh, you want me to give you a happy ending?" she laughed.

"Well, if you don't want to have sex with me I'll take what I can get" I joked back. But I wasn't really joking because we hadn't had sex for two weeks, so I was getting antsy and would happily 'settle' for a hand job.

"We could put a towel on the bed and I could get the oil out and massage your cock" she winked.

"Well, it's still technically my birthday as far I'm concerned, so..." I said.

"oh, well that clinches it then" she winked again.

I went to bed with a smile on my face, anticipating a fantasy fulfilled on Thursday.

On Thursday morning my wife was in a funny mood. Not funny ha-ha, she was skittish.  Half an hour before I was to leave for my appointment she got a phone call. There was a problem at one of the businesses she's involved in. A big problem, she'd have to go in and sort it out. She apologised and said she couldn't be waiting for me when I got back from my massage. No birthday treat for me.

And that was that.

When she came home a few hours later she asked me how the massage was. Very nice thank you, I replied before asking how her day had been. She'd had to put out a few forest fires, and now that she was home she had to draft and fire off some important emails. Half an hour later she was back on Facebook, 'de-stressing'. Fine, I get it (and yes, I know she wasn't lying, there was drama at work that day) but because I'm a guy I couldn't help but wonder if maybe after dinner we could, y'know, pick up where we'd left off? Y'know, that oily hand job we'd discussed...?

Of course, I didn't say this out loud. No woman responds well to a desperate man begging for sex - even one who's been deprived for 2 weeks. Besides, I wanted her to want to do it, and not do it because I wanted her to do it. A day earlier she had seemed excited to do it, but today was another day (that could be the strapline for life with my wife).

My eternal optimism once again went unrewarded.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My Wife Wants To Tie Me Up!

In yesterday's TMI Tuesday post we were asked to answer the following:

Finish this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ”

To which I answered: 
... my passion for sexual exploration (and intimacy).

As I answered it I remembered something my wife had said last week, as we talked about sex. We didn't talk about sex directly - it was one of those roundabout discussions where you drop in a few small comments and hope they hear what you're really saying. I'm not sure what the preamble was, (oh, that's right - the conversation was about how I'd been wanting to eat her out all week but she had resisted and rebuffed all my advances) but I think I said something like: 

"I'd still love to tie you up one day, and ravish you completely"

To which my wife replied "No, I don't think I'd like that"

"Why not?" I responded, "it would be great, I'd have you at my mercy, and I'd make you cum and cum again - you couldn't stop me!"

"Not gonna happen" she said.

And then there was a pause...

"But I'd like to tie you up" she continued.

"Really?" I said, a little surprised but not really*.

"Yeah, I'd like to tie you up and make you my prisoner" she said, without any offer to ravish me.

"Hmmmmm... okay" I offered "I don't really care who ties who up, as long as we have sex..."

"Really?" she cut in, "you'd let me do that?"

"Yeah, as long as we have sex" I explained, "I don't want one of those BDSM things where I get tied up but don't get to cum - what's the point of that?" 

"Okay, next time we're away together" she replied "I'll tie you up..."

"And I have only once condition" I interjected.

"what's that?"

"you can't take any photos" 

"done!" she agreed, "next time we're away it's on!!"

So, dear reader, we shall see if she's as good as her word. I hate to be a pessimist but she's teased me with many promises before and they never happen. The ball is in her court - I've acquiesced agreed to indulge one of her fantasies so we shall see what she does with that. I'll keep you posted. We have no travel plans until June! 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

TMI Tuesday: April 12, 2016 ~ Relationships & You

1. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
~ Having worked in 'the media' (last century) my answer is HELL NO! Being a celebrity is a double edged sword, and I have seen many people go nuts because of it. At best you become vain and self centred (often trying to live 24/7 as your perceived persona, which is impossible) and at worst you end up with a drug or alcohol problem. Based on my experience I have always counselled family members to steer their kids away from music or acting because (stop laughing!) no good can come of it!
Of course, I'm applying the modern day social media interpretation of 'famous' to this question ie the pursuit of fame. If I could be famous by inventing something useful to mankind, or discovering some great scientific breakthrough, or doing genuinely selfless good works for others then... sure, I'd 'like' to be famous. (But humble people don't want to be famous, right?)

2. Name three things you and your partner have in common.
a] We have been married to each other for 20+ years
b] We have a daughter
c] We both like my friends

3. Name three things you hate that your partner likes.
a] Her new, rich, friends
b] Spending outrageously
c] Not having sex for weeks

4. What do you value most in a friendship?
Loyalty. Being able to share secrets.

5. What do you value most in a romantic relationship?
Knowing your partner cares about you deeply (loves you, even!) and as such will 'fight' for the relationship. Love is not a fairy tale, it's real, and you have to treat it as such. If there's a problem talk it out. (How many romantic movies have you watched where you're shouting at the screen "Just tell her/him!" because they [the protagonists] are missing something important because they can't see the wood for the trees?)

Bonus: Finish this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ”
... my passion for sexual exploration (and intimacy).

Double Bonus: Further to the bonus question above, tomorrow's post is called 'My Wife Wants To Tie Me Up!'

Triple Bonus: Did you miss yesterday's post "What's the deal with Birthday Sex?"


How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). 
Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. 
Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!