Thursday, April 14, 2016

I finally got some Birthday Sex

I know I promised you on Monday that I would tell you about the 'Birthday Sex' I finally got, a few days after my actual birthday, but to be honest I'm not just feeling it. As I explained then, I find it weird that my wife won't have sex with me on my actual birthday if it's midweek, preferring instead to wait for the weekend because hell, I don't know.

One year (not this year) she took me away for the weekend to a bed and breakfast, but then did not have sex with me - even though I'd discovered some massage oil, lube, and a vibe hidden in her luggage! Yeah, that was a real mind fuck - she'd actually planned to have some wild sex with me but for some reason decided no sex would be better than wild sex (or any sex). That really messes with your self esteem, let me tell you. 

Like me you're probably thinking "She must have a had a reason, you must have pissed her off somehow" but like in Monday's post back then I was on my best behaviour. She'd taken me for a night away from our daughter, she'd bought sex toys... I was gonna get some, right? So of course I was in a chipper mood. I wasn't grumpy, I wasn't making smart ass comments, I didn't look at other women (I never do) so there was no reason for her to feel I didn't 'deserve' a birthday treat. 

As I said on Monday, no-one should ever feel obliged to have sex with anyone - even their partner - but to me the B&B incident really highlights that there is something odd in our marriage. And her period didn't arrive early either, in case you think that was the reason we didn't have sex. Besides, even if it did then maybe she could have told me that - to explain why this Birthday B&B things was only about going on a Wine Trail and visiting a Farmers Market. 

Anyway, as well as the surprise birthday dinner party at our house that I mentioned on Monday, I also got a 90 minute massage voucher at a local spa as a gift from my wife. Very nice, thank you, kiss kiss.


I sat on it for a while, before finally booking myself in last Thursday. I made sure to book a female masseuse, since the last time I went (a few years earlier, when my wife had given me a similar voucher for my birthday, to the same spa) I was given a male masseuse and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Firstly, he was a New Age wuss (complete with a pony tail - who the fuck wears one of those this millennium?) and secondly I do not enjoy having a man rubbing his oily hands over my body for 90 minutes.

Does that make me homophobic?

For me massage is a sensual act and although I don't get my thrills per se from having a woman rub her oily hands over me, I do like to be able to relax and drift off and feel some sort of subconscious sensual pleasure from what is happening. No, I don't get an erection or anything creepy like that, the female masseuse is completely safe. My wife laughed when I told her. I know women get massages from female masseuses all the time without falling into a Lesbian Panic but... well, it's just how I am. 

So this year I shared with my wife a little fantasy. I said after my massage I wanted to come home and have sex with her (my wife) while I was still 'blissed out'.

"Oh, you want me to give you a happy ending?" she laughed.

"Well, if you don't want to have sex with me I'll take what I can get" I joked back. But I wasn't really joking because we hadn't had sex for two weeks, so I was getting antsy and would happily 'settle' for a hand job.

"We could put a towel on the bed and I could get the oil out and massage your cock" she winked.

"Well, it's still technically my birthday as far I'm concerned, so..." I said.

"oh, well that clinches it then" she winked again.

I went to bed with a smile on my face, anticipating a fantasy fulfilled on Thursday.

On Thursday morning my wife was in a funny mood. Not funny ha-ha, she was skittish.  Half an hour before I was to leave for my appointment she got a phone call. There was a problem at one of the businesses she's involved in. A big problem, she'd have to go in and sort it out. She apologised and said she couldn't be waiting for me when I got back from my massage. No birthday treat for me.

And that was that.

When she came home a few hours later she asked me how the massage was. Very nice thank you, I replied before asking how her day had been. She'd had to put out a few forest fires, and now that she was home she had to draft and fire off some important emails. Half an hour later she was back on Facebook, 'de-stressing'. Fine, I get it (and yes, I know she wasn't lying, there was drama at work that day) but because I'm a guy I couldn't help but wonder if maybe after dinner we could, y'know, pick up where we'd left off? Y'know, that oily hand job we'd discussed...?

Of course, I didn't say this out loud. No woman responds well to a desperate man begging for sex - even one who's been deprived for 2 weeks. Besides, I wanted her to want to do it, and not do it because I wanted her to do it. A day earlier she had seemed excited to do it, but today was another day (that could be the strapline for life with my wife).

My eternal optimism once again went unrewarded.

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