Monday, April 11, 2016

What's the deal with Birthday Sex?

My wife got herself a Brazilian for my birthday once. I loved it but
she decided bald pussy was for pedophiles. You can read that story here.

No, seriously, what's the deal with Birthday Sex?

I find it deeply upsetting when I can't get laid on my birthday, and it's become a regular occurrence. Am I unreasonable? Obviously no-one should be forced to have sex with anyone, not even your partner, but if everything is good and 'normal' in your relationship and you are still sexually active then is it unreasonable to expect to get laid on your birthday?

I am so confused, and I've blogged about it before. I've even joked about it too.

So I had another birthday (sometime within the last 31 days, it was a week day) and once again I didn't get any sex of any sort on my birthday. Not even a handjob. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

And it's not like my wife didn't have the opportunity. She works her own hours so we could have stayed home for a nooner, or even some 'afternoon delight' but no, I got nothing.

I know what you're thinking: "Nero, you're such a whiney baby, no wonder she won't fuck you on your birthday - you self-entitled bastard!"  The truth is that I was on my best behaviour, since this is not the first time it's happened and this year I was at pains to be bright, cheerful, and nonchalant about sex. Maybe I did too good a job of making her think sex was the last thing on my mind?

So it was my birthday and she had organised several meetings across the day on her schedule, with a two hour window for lunch with me. Her schedule the day before and after my birthday was very light so I wondered why she had booked herself into all those meetings on my birthday - maybe the meetings were decoys, maybe she had some awesome sexcapade planned and was going to surprise me?

No such luck - we had a nice lunch at a nearby eatery, and then she dropped me home again before racing off to her next meeting. I didn't get a gift, so I presumed she was out shopping for it (since I have in previous years been given birthday presents bought from the store opposite where she worked, and purchased that day - during her lunch hour).

Anyway my wife returned home at 5.30pm, just in time for the caterers who turned up four minutes later. {SURPRISE!} My birthday present was a surprise birthday dinner with 8 of our friends (and their 4 kids) AT OUR HOUSE! Yay, who wants a romantic birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant with their loved one when they can instead have dinner with the same 8 people they had dinner with 10 days earlier???!!

No, I'm not kidding. We'd had dinner with these same people the weekend before last.

I know what you're thinking: "Shut up Nero, you ingrate!" Okay, so the 'Private Chef' cooked us a great meal, served dessert, and then left around 10pm - leaving us with cheese platters.

I hate cheese. I especially hate birthday cheese.

They also left us with a kitchen full of dirty dishes, so while my wife drank port and ate cheese (she loves cheese) and talked to our friends, I rinsed all the dishes, stacked the dishwasher, and semi-cleared the kitchen.

Our friends didn't leave until midnight, so it wasn't until 1am that we got to bed - after we'd finished all the clearing up.

1am. That means it's not my birthday anymore, right? So no birthday sex, because my birthday was yesterday, right? Yay!

To be fair, by 1am I wasn't in the mood for it.

I did get laid on the weekend, and I'll tell you that story on Thursday. The sex was good, but by then it was just 'Sex', it wasn't 'Birthday Sex'.

Maybe next year?

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