Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Dinner Fiasco

I alluded to 'the dinner fiasco' in this post, and promised then to expand on it...

My wife had gone on a 4 day 'business retreat' with 7 guys at an island resort - and I joined her on Friday night to spend the weekend with her. I got invited because some of the other guys had invited their wives for the weekend, because their wives were pissed off about all the time the guys were spending away from their families in favor of the Business Networking Group (BNG).

I often joke it's a cult, but I'm only half joking.

When I heard my wife was going 'on retreat' with
7 guys, this is what I imagined - 7 lecherous dwarves!
And yes, that's my wife playing up to them...
Anyway, I journeyed 12 freakin' hours to get to the island, at which point I discovered my wife had made a snafu. It turns out 'the wives' were all turning up on Saturday, and they had all been booked into different resorts by their husbands because god forbid the wives should be present when the BNG did their secret stuff. What happens in BNG stays in BNG apparently. My wife often shares their secrets with me, but swears me to ...um... secrecy.

I'm not supposed to know!!

So I arrive about 7pm, my wife doesn't come to see me until 7.30pm (because she's drinking cocktails in the bar with the boys), but then proceeds to shower and get dressed for dinner with the BNG guys - and I'm not welcome! I'm fobbed off with something about 'BNG rules' and that the 'retreat' isn't over yet. Apparently I might hear something I'm not supposed to at the dinner table so I'll have to make do with joining them for post-dinner drinks in the bar later.

As my wife leaves (you can read about her eye opening attire here) she then qualifies that bar invitation with "I'll ask the guys if it's okay, and let you know". WTF?!

So anyway, half an hour later I snuck off to the restaurant and hid in an alcove and had my first meal since lunch. It was now 9pm and I observed my wife was only now starting to eat because her little gang of merry men had decided to enjoy a few rounds of drinks first. I swear, from what I've seen the BNG is less about 'learning' and more about 'social drinking and partying' (which they call 'networking'). Eventually I'm spotted and after dessert I'm invited over to their table for a drink.

They were all quite merry because they were all quite drunk. Bear in mind they had been drinking from 4.30pm already, when their final 'workshop' finished. This was good for me because they were happy drunks and all quite chatty. As in 'loose lips sink ships'. In very short order I got a complete breakdown on all the important stuff they had been discussing during their four day retreat, namely:

S.E.X.

Yup, they had questioned and resolved all the burning questions relating to sex and the differences between men and women. My wife was at the far end of the table because I had strategically placed myself at the opposite end precisely for this purpose - I wanted the guys to spill without her interjecting "Hey, don't tell him that!"

So listed below is the type of crap my wife had been involved in (I know she was included because they shared with me her responses). I've numbered the questions so you can give your own answers in the comments section below, if you feel like sharing.:
  1. how often do you have sex?
  2. how often do you masturbate?
  3. is oral sex cheating on your partner?
  4. if you could cheat but your partner would never ever find out would you do it? would you feel guilty?
  5. do you prefer 20-something babes or 30-something hotties? which one do you jerk off to?
  6. does your partner know you masturbate? what do they think about that?
  7. have you had a 3way? more than a 3way?
  8. what was the best sex you've ever had? with who?
Apparently my wife got a bonus question -have you ever been with a woman?- which I was told she didn't answer, but the guys were all smirking as if they had already decided amongst themselves that she had.

I smiled through gritted teeth because I consider these types of questions wholly inappropriate for a male dominated group to ask of it's one female member. I know how men think and when a guy starts asking these types of questions he's probing to see if you're DTF (down to fuck). You might have been friends in College, or best buddies at work, but when he asks you these types of questions it's because he wants to steer things in a sexual direction. The bigger problem for me is that my wife wants to be one of the guys. She wants to smash that glass ceiling by smoking cigars and drinking whiskey just like the guys do - forgetting entirely that she is petite and will never be able to drink any of the guys under the table.

Not that she doesn't try - and a few years ago she got herself into a lot of trouble doing exactly that. Falling down drunk, vomiting in gutters -type of trouble. (And that's only what I knew of, I suspected her of having an affair back then).

So on top of all these questions (which they tried asking me but were so busy telling me what everyone in the group had answered they never got mine) they also shared with me all the other stuff they'd been up to. More 'hijinks' than 'learnings' it seemed ('learnings' is the corporate buzzword du jour apparently):

  • They'd been on a 3 hour jet-ski 'safari'.
  • They'd gone to a 'private island' with an exclusive VIP bar mentioned in all the best travel magazines.
  • They'd bought 2 cases of wine with them but had finished them in 2 days.
  • They'd been invited to a wedding on the island, another one tomorrow.
  • They'd all gone to the wedding and 2 of the single guys had scored with 2 of the bridesmaids.
  • One of the married guys had tried to score but was cock blocked by the two that did score.
  • They'd done yoga every morning, even though hungover every morning
  • My wife was in the front row and those behind her thought she looked good in yoga pants.
  • One night they stood in a circle in the ocean and pee'd, then invited my wife over because 'the water's warm!'
  • They'd hired a private boat for a 3 hour snorkelling tour, of which only 1 hour was spent snorkelling - the rest was drinking.

All well and good and great 'bonding' I'm sure, but it didn't sound like they had much time left for any 'learnings' in their 'workshops'.

On top of that one of the single guys was on Tinder and had set up a date on the island for the following day - and what did I think of her because my wife thought she was awful. It was at this point my wife's ears burned and she came scurrying down to our end of the table. "What were you saying about me?" she said, as the other woman's Tinder pics were displayed on the single guys phone. Her hotness was re-litigated as they again argued over whether she was worthy of him. My wife maintained he could do better but I shut the debate down by pointing out he only wanted to fuck her, not marry her, and she was fine for a one night stand.

That got me a High 5 all round, since clearly I was a true bro'. I understood the bro' code: get laid or die tryin'.
I know this is a long post, but keep reading - I do this to my wife by the end...
So the guy had his date with Tinder Girl the following afternoon (another 'private yacht' trip) and then my wife and I had the good fortune to meet them for drinks in the early evening. They were both drunk already and my wife did her best to catch up - it's what you do on the island, apparently. By 8pm I could tell Tinder Girl was getting pissed off because the guy was talking to his BNG bro'ette so much, so I told him we were going to get dinner and they could join us if they wanted to.

He declined and told us (Tinder Girl had gone to bathroom) to go because he planned on fucking her now - but he would join us later for dessert.

I took my wife to dinner, it was lovely, and sure enough the two of them turned up as we were finishing our desserts. I was quite surprised, to be honest. They were both smiling so I presumed it was a good fuck for both of them, but I was wrong. I learnt later that she was a lousy lay and he was done with her. So... he ghosted her! Right in front of us!! He just stopped talking to her, wouldn't reply to her, and talked exclusively to my wife instead - ignoring Tinder Girl completely. He kept this up for at least half an hour, at which point she muttered something rude and got up and left.

He then regaled us with stories of how bad she was in bed and how he almost didn't get off because she was a skank.

Seriously.What.The.Fuck?

I've never personally witnessed such appalling behavior from a guy in my life. Even if a woman is a lousy fuck you suck it up, behave like a gentleman, let her down easy, and send her on her way. She fucked you forgodsake - show some manners!

But my wife's buddy showed no manners and worst of all... my wife sided with him! I couldn't believe it!! She reminded him that she'd thought Tinder Girl was not good enough for him, and that when we'd met earlier that evening she didn't like her. Yup, my wife was a real bro' for this douchebag and instead of calling him on his BS she pandered to it. I was disgusted but chose to STFU since I knew he was leaving in the morning and he was the last of the BNG assholes to leave the island. The sooner it was just me and my wife the better.

We left him at the bar, trying to pick up another girl, and went back to our cabana.

The sex was a repeat of the previous night except this time I couldn't cum. My wife came twice and I remained hard but I just couldn't ejaculate. I couldn't shake the idea that my wife looked up to these cheating assholes and thought they were 'great men'. She acknowledges to me all their failings (she used to deny it, until the truth became incontrovertible) but insists they are still great guys. It makes me wonder how she rates me. If that's what she looks for in a man then clearly I am not a man.

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