Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Sexed Out: The Performativity of Group Sex

This is not one of my old posts, but one by Pervertically Virtuous
In the process of recovering my own old posts via email I discovered some of hers. Like me, her old accounts have been terminated, and she seems to have disappeared from the internet. This is a damn shame since I consider her one of the best sex bloggers I've ever had the chance to read and follow. I'm reposting her old posts as a historical archive, and if she ever returns to blogging I'm happy to hand them back to her.
To be clear: the copyright on this work is hers, and remains with her - I didn't write it and I make no claim to it. 



Pervertically Virtuous posted: " After our weekend of having a fivesome, a threesome, and a twosome on camera in a span of 36 hours, Ace and I were completely sexed out. Sure, that was a lot of sex in a short period of time. But I don't think it was just the amount of sex that got us s"

recovered post on Pervertically Virtuous

Sexed Out: The Performativity of Group Sex

by Pervertically Virtuous
sexed out; too much sex
After our weekend of having a fivesome, a threesome, and a twosome on camera in a span of 36 hours, Ace and I were completely sexed out. Sure, that was a lot of sex in a short period of time. But I don't think it was just the amount of sex that got us so exhausted and done with sex for a week. I think it was the nature of the sex, too.
Urban Dictionary defines "sexed out" like this: To engage in constant intercourse, to the point where you aren't in the mood for quite amount of time.
Having sex three times in 36 hours is certainly a decent amount of sex. Many people don't get that much in the best of times. (And many, I'm sure, don't want that much anyway.) But it's not really "constant intercourse," and for someone as sexually charged as I am, it's really not that much sex per se. I've certainly had sex three days in a row countless times before, including much of the time that Ace and I are together. Often those three consecutive days included more than one person, and many more sessions and orgasms per day. Yet I've rarely felt this sexed out. Ace was thinking and feeling the same thing.
That got me thinking: What was it about this particular sex marathon that made both of so sexually spent, so done with sex that we didn't want to even think about it for a week, let alone have it?
I think it has to do with the fact that all three experiences were not a simple 1-on-1 sex with someone you know well. Two were group sex situations. Both involved at least one partner  that was either completely new or relatively new. The third - the photo shoot - was almost like group sex: Although the third person was not actively participating in the physical touching, she was fully present and engaged in the sex; hell, the sex was for her. Group sex, casual sex, and sex for camera take more out of you - mentally, and sometimes physically - than simple 1-on-1 sex does.
Why? For (at least) three reasons.
1. Complexity
Casual sex, especially with new or relatively new partners, is in and of itself often more complicated than relationship sex: It involves more unknown desires, capacities, interests, and therefore requires more work in setting it up and making it happen. Group sex is even more complicated; it's like casual sex on steroids. There are more people to organize - and sometimes the organizing can take quite a bit of effort. There are also many more things to think about, worry about whether they're working, make them work. All those unknowns introduce a level of uncertainty about how things are going to unfold. Sex for camera - even 1-on-1 sex with someone you know well - is also more complex: Negotiating timing, placement, and action with the photographer from start to finish.
Figuring out all the unknowns and negotiating the different needs/ desires/ interests/ abilities is incredibly exciting - which is why I do it, but it is also mentally challenging, demanding, and ultimately tiring. (Not to mention that all these situations can lead to particularly vigorous and physically demanding sex, doing things you don't necessarily do every time you have sex with a romantic partner, which can be physically exhausting.)
2. Performativity
Partnered sex is always performative: There's always at least one spectator other than yourself to observe, analyze, judge your body, your movements, your sounds in that most intimate of moments... But some sexual situations are markedly more performative than others. Casual sex with someone you don't know well is more performative than sex with someone you know, as you're trying to leave good early impressions in front of someone whose standards and expectations you know little about. By adding additional spectators, likely relatively unknown, group sex is even more performative than 1-on-1 casual sex. And having sex for the camera is an even more obvious example of performativity: You are explicitly performing for the photographer, putting on a show, trying to get in positions and angles that look good for the camera, making sure you keep changing positions with some frequency so the photographer gets new material...
Some people are naturally more self-conscious - during sex or otherwise - than others (it's called self-monitoring). But even for someone like me who is highly confident in her body and sexual abilities, and fairly unfazed by what others think of her, the performativity of group sex or sex on camera takes its toll.
Because performing is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, for adrenaline junkies who like to be on stage, performing is fulfilling and exhilarating and an insane amount of fun. But it's also mentally and physically draining. After all that adrenaline running through your mind and body, they need some rest.
3. Novelty saturation
Sexual desire, lust, is largely driven by novelty. Mine certainly is. And group sex, casual sex, or sex on camera are all more or less novel experiences, and that brings lots of pleasure and enjoyment. But there is only so much novelty, so much dopamine your brain needs, desires, and can handle at a given time. After continually feeding your craving for novelty three days in a row, that craving is quite satiated.
Bottom line
Group sex is significantly more exhausting - mentally, and sometimes also physically - than 1-on-1 sex. That is not to say it's worse. The same things that make it more effort-demanding (complexity, performativity, novelty) are the same things that make it so appealing to people like me, highly extroverted, sexually charged, novelty- and adventure- driven people. For people like me, group sex is exciting, exhilarating, fun, and I love it. I could never give it up.
But group sex does require more mental effort than 1-on-1 sex does. And that is something worth realizing, acknowledging, and factoring into decisions. Group sex might be most gratifying when done in moderation. For me and Ace that means incorporating a new rule: No group sex two days in a row. (And, unless it's too good to pass up, no group sex more than once a week at most.)
Trying to set up a fun group sex hook-up? Try Adult FriendFinder.
Need some new sex toys? Visit Eden Fantasys or Extreme Restraints.
If you liked this post, you might also like:
Damaged Memory
Why I Feel No Jealousy
Flagged and Removed: Your Post is Fake
Pervertically Virtuous | July 13, 2013 at 10:54 pm | Tags: group sex, performativity | Categories: Life According to PV |

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About that sex last weekend...