Sunday, September 18, 2016

The Amazing (Sex) Life of a Sex Blogger

This is not one of my old posts, but one by Pervertically Virtuous
In the process of recovering my own old posts via email I discovered some of hers. Like me, her old accounts have been terminated, and she seems to have disappeared from the internet. This is a damn shame since I consider her one of the best sex bloggers I've ever had the chance to read and follow. I'm reposting her old posts as a historical archive, and if she ever returns to blogging I'm happy to hand them back to her.
To be clear: the copyright on this work is hers, and remains with her - I didn't write it and I make no claim to it. 

(FYI: some links in this post are dead)

Pervertically Virtuous posted: "Recently, Scarlett Dubois from A True Unfolding wrote how she needed to take a break both from blogging about sex - because life sometimes gets in the way and you don't always feel like writing or feel like you have anything to say, and also from reading "

recovered post on Pervertically Virtuous

The Amazing (Sex) Life of a Sex Blogger

by Pervertically Virtuous
nothing-but-sexRecently, Scarlett Dubois from A True Unfolding wrote how she needed to take a break both from blogging about sex - because life sometimes gets in the way and you don't always feel like writing or feel like you have anything to say - and also from reading other sex blogs. Because reading about other people's exciting sex lives aroused in her feelings of envy and inadequacy regarding her own sex life. She lamented the fact that many of us sex bloggers rarely (if ever) write about the non-sexual aspects of our lives thus preventing our readers (herself included) from seeing us beyond the 1-dimensional porn star-like image we portray and instead as the 3-dimensional humans we must be.
I may or may not be one of those sex bloggers Scarlett is referring to when she says "I would selfishly curse their good fortune and amazing sex life," but I am certainly 'guilty' of writing almost exclusively about sex, and within the general topic of sex, of writing predominantly about my own personal sex life (although I also write about my sex-related opinions, advice, and other musings).
I totally understand Scarlett's need to take a break from the sex blogosphere (both reading and writing), but her post made me think. And, to the extent that Scarlett's sentiments are shared by other readers of sex blogs, there are a few questions inspired by her post I'd like to address here - as they pertain to me, and possibly, other sex bloggers too.
1. Do sex bloggers (or, I) have an amazing sex life? 
First of all, we shouldn't forget that "amazing" here is highly subjective. For some people, an amazing sex life means regular, good, vanilla sex with one partner; for others, "amazing" means countless hookups and frequent group sex; for others still, "amazing" is all about BDSM. What is amazing to someone will be deadly boring, horrifying, or disgusting to someone else.
With that in mind, I'd venture to say that whatever our own personal flavor of "amazing" is, some of us sex bloggers probably have more interesting sex lives than many other people. What is likely common for most (all?) sex bloggers is that we consider sexuality to be an important part of who we are, something we are passionate about. And if you are particularly passionate about something, chances are you are going to consciously expend more time and energy on that thing.
That, of course, doesn't mean that all of us have amazing sex lives. For example, sex bloggers who write primarily (or exclusively) fictional erotica, or review sex toys, or do sex education - they don't need to have exciting sex lives in order to have something to blog about (they may still have such lives, but it's not a prerequisite for their blog, and we don't know anything/much about it). Other sex bloggers write about the frustrations of not having an exciting sex life and their more or less successful attempts to turn it more exciting. Others still write about the agony of dealing with sexual compulsivity or addiction; for them, a very active sex life ≠ an amazing sex life.
Even those who write about our own, subjectively amazing sex lives, don't get to have sex all the time or have amazing sex every time we have sex. I promise. Take me, for example: I have an extremely active and what I think to be a pretty amazing sex life that I write about it regularly. Even I have weeks when I don't get laid at all because I'm too busy, or sick, or not particularly horny for whatever reason, or don't have an easily available partner (OK, that last one might be fairly rare, but still). I also regularly have sexual interactions that range from 'meh, I wish I spent that time watching a movie' to 'yeah, that was pretty good' that I don't end up writing about because they don't seem particularly interesting or exceptional.
2. Do sex bloggers (or, I) have an amazing, problem-free life in general?
No, of course not. Just because we don't blog about it, doesn't mean we don't have jobs, families, responsibilities, health issues, financial situations, etc that may be a source of stress and frustration. We are just as human as everyone else... Yes, some of us are luckier (i.e., have more amazing lives) than others, but I'm pretty sure that sex bloggers are similarly distributed on the life satisfaction and amazingness continuum (from miserable to ecstatically happy) as everyone else.
Also, our life circumstances change over time, and with that our desire and ability to both have sex and to write about it. Right now, I'm young, attractive, physically and mentally healthy, financially secure, child-free, pet-free, highly sexually charged, with a fulfilling career, and in a satisfying open relationship, so I feel like I have a pretty amazing life in general. But all of these circumstances could change (some even over night), and some of them will most definitely change (I will get old, and with that I will get less attractive, less physically healthy, and less sexually driven). So when you read about someone's amazing (sex) life, remember that it's only a snapshot of a fairly short period of their life.
3. Why don't sex bloggers (or, I) blog about stuff other than sex?
Scarlett suggested that sex bloggers refrain from posting personal stuff about their non-sex lives in order to preserve anonymity.
I can't speak for others here, but preserving anonymity is only a minor reason why I don't write much about other things. The main reasons I write mostly about sex are the follwing:
- I am most passionate about sex, i.e., that's what I enjoy writing about the most;
- I am most knowledgeable about sex, i.e.,  that's where I feel I can contribute the most. (Trust me, you don't want me writing about cooking or fly-fishing);
- I barely have the time to write up my most interesting sex stories and opinions, let along find time to write about other things; and
- I like the idea of having a blog focused primarily on one topic. Not everyone does: there are people who blog about a little bit of everything and there are people who like reading those kinds of blogs. But topical or niche blogs have their place and there are people who like to read them.
4. So how do we see the whole 3-dimensional human behind the 1-dimensional porn-star image of the sex blogger (or, Me)?
Of course, a sex blog about your own sex life is not exactly a niche blog in the same way a blog about cooking, fly-fishing, or even sex education, is. In true niche blogs, the writer offers a solution, a recipe, a tutorial, a service. A sex blog like mine is kind of a lifestyle blog, a personal account of Me and My life, but only one part of me and my life. And I can see how that might leave the reader wanting for more. If this one person gets your attention and you become invested in that one personal account of that one life, then you want to see them in 3-D, you want to know about more than that one aspect of their lives that they share publicly.
One way to do that (as Scarlett noted in her post) is to reach out to those people privately, online or offline. I, for example, am happy to share privately information about my non-sexual life that I have no desire or time to write about publicly on the blog. I'm also happy to meet people offline - in the 6 months that I've been blogging, I've met with 3 other sex bloggers in-person (haven't yet met with a reader).
Some of us may have PG-13 blogs where they blog about other stuff, but many don't, and don't have the desire or time to do that. Some of us may write a book one day that provides a more comprehensive look into our lives, but most of us probably won't. I guess, for many of us, our readers will just have to contend with catching glimpses of the rest of our lives in our writings about sex, or take a break from reading our blogs when they grow tired of reading about our sex lives.
What do you think: Should sex bloggers blog about other aspects of their lives?
Pervertically Virtuous | September 18, 2013 at 1:38 pm |

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