I stumbled across this page on the internet and found it quite interesting. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media 2008)” offers tips to improve intimacy with your mate. People ask questions and she gives advice - and it's good advice.
So I'm going to excerpt a few sample questions, together with her advice, and then give my responses to the original question as well. For the full article click on Dr. Romance: Bored with your Sex Life?
Q: Sometimes I feel sexually excited, but I don’t always feel desire for my husband. In other words, I’d rather take things into my own hands. Does this mean there’s something wrong or missing from our relationship?I've often wondered if my wife does this. For the life of me I can't understand why we don't have sex more often given that she seems to really enjoy it when we do (yes, yes, she could be faking) and seems to orgasm at least once or twice (yes, yes, she could still be faking). When her period is due she goes on a Kindleporn binge that can last for days. She must be masturbating, surely?
A: Sure it’s normal. It’s more direct and easier to do it yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind, however, that the easy route might not be the best route for your marriage. If you can direct that energy toward having sex with your husband, your marriage will benefit. Also, take a little time to think about whether anything is going on between you that’s putting you off.It’s better to talk about that directly than to avoid it and go off by yourself.
My wife could have written this. She has no problem climaxing when she wants to - she just doesn't seem to want to. I've followed all Tessina's advice to the letter - but with no positive results. I've even told my wife (in a caring communicative way) that she needs to find a better way to signal when she's receptive/hungry for sex. Because she gives no clues, zero signals, and I have no idea. It makes me feel like a dirty old man sometimes. Yes, I know some people get off on that but not me.
Q: My husband and I have been married for many years. Thankfully I have orgasms somewhat easily and consistently, but I don’t always look forward to sex. Weeks can go by without me missing it. Is this bad??
A: It’s normal in a long-term marriage for spontaneous sexuality to diminish and even disappear. Don’t continue to expect sex to generate itself as your marriage becomes more familiar and comfortable. You need to begin generating the sexual energy with each other. Try creating a mood, making a way for the two of you to transition from daily chores and hassles to intimacy. You might want to cuddle on the couch or surprise him with a kiss. You both need a signal that tells your partner that it’s time for sex.