|My 'Free Pass', according to my wife. Read on to see hers...|
I stumbled across this page on the internet and found it quite interesting. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media 2008)” offers tips to improve intimacy with your mate. People ask questions and she gives advice - and it's good advice.
So I'm going to excerpt a few sample questions, together with her advice, and then give my responses to the original question as well. For the full article click on Dr. Romance: Bored with your Sex Life?
Q: How can we make sex seem more romantic and less run-of-the-mill? How can we recapture the passion we once had so many years ago?Okay, this is something we definitely need to work on since 1, 2, and 3 are all applicable to us. My wife has a multitude of reasons not to have sex with me, and will pull out an excuse at the drop of a hat. My favorite is when she says she is tired and goes to bed early but then doesn't go to sleep**. She is either on Social Media or reading Kindleporn in bed - but always quickly switching off the light when I come to bed.
A: The most important thing to do is to take the hassle out of it. Don’t have high expectations for every sexual encounter. Develop a repertoire that includes:
1. Sex when you’re tired.
2. Sex when you’re rushed.
3. Sex when only one of you wants it.
Make it as easy as possible and get playful about it. If you can giggle and laugh together, you’ll feel more connected. If you keep your sexual connection going, the big, romantic fantasy moments will happen every once in a while (an anniversary, while you’re on vacation, and so on.) The key is to make it simple and easy to get together.
I've even tried to lower expectations by suggesting we don't always need to have penetrative sex, we could just use hands or oral, but some days even that is too much bother. Some days the most I can get is her letting me jerk off next to her while she makes semi-receptive noises. That can leave
I'm pretty sure my wife does this. When we do have sex sometimes it's after we've come home from an event involving her Business Networking Group (BNG). That means she's had a good night being the life of the party and engaging in some witty banter/sexual banter with dynamic wealthy and powerful men. Some of them are quite good looking too (younger and take better care of themselves ie workout) so I kinda suspect she may be imagining some other scenario than banging her husband of 20+ years.
Q: If I fantasize about other men, does it mean something is wrong with my marriage? Should I tell my husband about my fantasies?
A: Fantasizing about other men is normal. Whether or not to tell your husband depends on your two personalities and preferences. Will he be intimidated and put off, or will he be excited about it? Sometimes fantasies can be used to enhance sex — for example, a fantasy that he has stolen you from this other man could really get you both going.
She claimed a Free Pass for herself at the same time: Colin Firth. Which I know is bullshit. She picked him because he's the cool one to pick if you're an aware thinking woman - or so said a bunch of women's magazines at the time. Whilst I'm sure Firth would gladly fuck her I'm pretty sure my wife would secretly prefer a younger fitter 'hard body' man than Colin.
** I have talked to her about this (communication is key, tight?) and her answer is always "I said I was going to be, not going to sleep. I just want a little time to read magazines and wind down before I go to sleep"