Thursday, May 11, 2017

Menopause, you say?

Well, no-one's actually said it (especially not my wife) but could menopause be the source of my problems?

Oh no, it's MENOPAUSE?!
I've read a few comments by women on various blogs recently, talking about the changes in their sex life and menopause and then the penny dropped: could everything I've been complaining about in my blog be due to my wife going through menopause?

Let's whittle down my entire blog into it's core themes:
  1. My wife and I are both over 50 now
  2. My wife and I aren't having sex anywhere near the frequency we used to
  3. I am confused by this since if memory serves me correctly didn't we enjoy it immensely when we were younger - so why have we stopped?
  4. Maybe I'm deluded? Maybe my wife didn't enjoy it as much as I thought she did, maybe my oral skills are not as good as I think they are, maybe my cock isn't big enough to satisfy?
  5. Why does my wife read so much erotic fiction? Why has my wife stopped reading erotic fiction? 
  6. Where did my wife's libido go? Has it gone, or does she just not desire me?
  7. Why do we only have sex once a month, usually when her period is due? Is it just hormones making her horny then, not me?
  8. Why do we go months without penetrative sex, instead 'just' having a mutual masturbation session or (worse?) her just giving me some 'manual relief'?
  9. If she's not having sex with me, is she having it with someone else? (Since she continues to dress and project herself as a vibrant sexy woman)
So what are some of the symptoms/side effects of menopause (for some women)?
  1. Loss of libido/desire for sex
  2. Inability to self-lubricate even when aroused, making the vagina dry.
  3. Penetrative sex can be painful, even when lube is applied
  4. Irregular menstruation, sometimes resulting in two periods a month
  5. Hot flashes, and not the horny kind
  6. Male partners become grumpy bastards, further reducing libido
I will point out that whilst this blog is all about me and how I feel, I am not blind to the other person in this marriage. I few months back I did ask her if she thought she was going through menopause, and she responded by saying she didn't know. I asked her what the symptoms of menopause were and her answer was the same "I don't know". I suggested (gently) that maybe that was something she should find out, and should check with her gynaecologist - but she laughed and said she hadn't seen one since our daughter was born.

As I recently commented in my post "An Update on my Wife's Affair" (in response to a reader's comment):
"... And then there is another thing that has occurred to me recently, something I haven't blogged about yet. Most of my negative feelings towards my wife are rooted in the idea that she doesn't appreciate/love me - a conclusion I've come to because we don't have sex anymore. (It's more detailed than that, but that's the heart of it). What if that conclusion is wrong and it's something as simple as my wife is going through menopause and her libido has been crushed.
I've assumed it's had no effect on her because she shows (nor will admit to) any symptoms, but given what I know of my wife (after 20+ years together) what if it's just her refusing to accept the aging process or that anything is different? This would explain all her acting out at parties, events, etc. She's just trying to maintain the facade of being a younger more vibrant person. (Which is not to say that women going through menopause turn into dried up husks - hopefully y'all get what I mean)..." 
I hope I don't come across as a 'Mansplainer' by blogging about menopause. I really don't know much about it and Dr Google hasn't been much help. There are no definitive answers and different women will experience menopause differently. In my wife's case I think part of the problem is that she has always fought the aging process and does not want to 'surrender' to menopause. Being the person she is, why should I be surprised now that she's kinda burying her head in the sand and trying to ignore it.

As therapists always say 'communication is the key to a happy marriage' and I can't help but feel we've let ourselves down here. Other people seem to have it figured it out, as Julie/MPB commented in her answer to a TMI Tuesday question:
Q4. Is your body keeping you from a good sex life? How so?
My body is trying to do just that. The menopause means that there are times when I am not as wet as I used to get and I can get sore during penetrative sex. Also, as previously documented I seem to have developed a problem with pain during vaginal sex. We are working through these things though and don’t let it get in the way of a good time. 
That seems pretty cool. Imagine if my wife and I had been able to discuss menopause in advance so we were both aware of what was likely to happen to our sexual intimacy, so we could both deal with it? Instead of me going mental, because I was clueless. Our sexlife has been dysfunctional for many years, but apparently menopause can last for many years - there is no set timeframe for how long it lasts. For some women it's over very quickly, for others not.

So, is that the problem? Menopause?

And should I stop blogging now, if I've figured it out?


  1. I used to work in alternative medicine - and yes it could be the menopause. Over 50 - i know women who were completely through it at 48! If she is still having periods shes still in the game but could be a reason why her libido is lowering, if its just beginning. You must research and talk to her.

  2. The crazy thing is... I've always been 'aware' of menopause - but I thought it was something you (women) got when you were old. As in, mid to late fifties - say 55 - 60!
    But yes, I think we definitely need to have a more hardcore discussion about it. No more pussyfooting around.
    Maybe I'll save it for tomorrow - after Mother's Day brunch?!

    1. Yes women did used to get it between 55 and 60 - some still do (rare) - smoking can mean it will happen earlier. Also eating fresh food that has not been packaged - cooking from scratch - holds the menopause off, because there are chemicals in food packaging that mess with a womens hormones and can trigger earlier change. So many things about our life today that are different to our grandparents

    2. probably the most different thing is that now that *I* am over 50 I don't think 50 is old at all - but when I was young I thought people that age were ancient!

  3. I think that menopause is happening earlier for many women because they are starting their periods earlier, so maturing sooner as girls. It sounds as though your wife might be starting the menopause, but without the full blown symptoms yet. Perhaps she is experiencing changes to her body but doesn't know why. The key to any relationship is being able to talk about things and the nature of mine means that I am not able to shy away. I hope she is willing to open up and tell you whatever is bothering her.

    1. I think that there has always been those that started periods early and those that did not. My friend had finished the menopause at 48 - she started her periods at 14. Its the differing lifestyle and way we eat that has had a massive effect on the age women go through the menopause. Not just the chemicals in food packaging causing havoc - additives in processed food mimic hormones and also have a disastrous effect. I never eat processed food. Nero - you should always cook from fresh.


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