Monday, June 19, 2017

Sex in a tent

I'm pretty sure this is the romantic image my wife had in her head when she pictured us at our 'Eco Lodge'!
Men of course are simpler creatures and have one thing on their mind - is a little vacation sex too much to hope for?

In last week's TMI Tuesday: June 13, 2017 ~ Hey folks! I shared the following anecdote in answer to a question:
While my wife has never said “No, it was not good” we coincidentally had something similar happen last week. She was sitting on my face and I was eating her out and then she suddenly sat up and scolded me for not doing it right. I was quite taken aback by her tone. She asked why would I find the spot and then move from the spot, telling me that once she tells me I've found the spot I need to stay on the fucking spot! She then proceeded to ask me if I actually knew where the spot was. 
This was very upsetting (to me) because:
  • she was talking to me like I was an idiot child 
  • after 20+ years together I know where the spot is, and I do know that once you hit the spot you stay on it and don't move from it
  • but I also have to breathe so I have to pull back sometimes or I'll suffocate (she clamps down hard, and smothers me when the pleasure takes over)
  • I also don't want to drown in her juices so I have to pull back sometimes to swallow 
The situation was resolved by changing positions. She lay on her back and I continued.
What I didn't explain (and what makes it worse, IMO) was that this incident happened while we were on vacation. A time when we're meant to be relaxing and enjoying our time together ie having stress free sex! (Yes, that's what my wife says when we don't have sex: "Don't worry, we'll be in XYZ soon and I won't be so stressed out with all this work - we can have plenty of sex then!")  She's just fobbing me off of course because over the years our vacation sex has dropped as well. 

It wasn't exactly the vacation from hell but it was a weird one, and often I wondered why I was there at all. I guess that's because it didn't start out as a vacation but as a BNG 'retreat' for her and her BNG buddies. As you might know, she's a member of a Business Networking Group (BNG) and within that group each branch breaks down further into a 'pod' of 7-8 people. The pod members are meant to bond closely and the rules dictate that each year they go on 'retreat' together to solidify that bond. 

As I've joked many times: 'the BNG is a cult!'

Anyway, my wife's pod decided to go to Costa Rica* and stay at an 'Eco-Lodge' because the theme of their retreat was 'Sustainability'. That meant they would all be burning fossil fuels to fly many hours to get there and then they would stay in tents in the jungle because resorts are bad for the environment. Part of the retreat involved flying in some bearded new age hipster/hippie to run two half day workshops on {holistic management for a sustainable workforce} (I forget the actual mumbo jumbo jargon they used to describe it) for them.

So my wife tells me about two months ahead of this retreat when and where they're going, but unlike last time (link) this time I can't come. It will just be her and the boys (you know she's the only woman in her pod, right? and one of only about 5 women in the whole area branch of BNG [about 75 in total] ie it's a boys club). When she says I can't come I say nothing, but internally I start the countdown: how long before she realises she's going to be away for our 25th wedding anniversary?

It took a month. 

A month before she was due to go she 'remembers' the significant milestone and gleefully tells me that I can come after all, and we'll go a few days before the rest of pod so we can have 3 days to ourselves at this luxury Eco-Lodge. Yes, I'd dropped a few hints to others about how long we'd been together and I think someone finally gave her a heads-up.  My wife seemed very proud of herself to get me 'in' on this retreat, and said she had convinced the other (male) members of the BNG pod to bring their partners/children too, and make it an 'inclusive' family event.

As it transpired the following happened instead (to cut a long story short):
  • The Eco Lodge turned out to be six large safari tents, each with their own composting toilet (ie not a flush toilet).
  • Due to flies and bugs the mesh flaps had to be zipped closed at all times so it was hot.
  • There was no TV and the promised wifi was almost non-existent - I gave up trying after two days.
  • The swimmable beach was supposedly a 15 minute bike ride away but it was further. On Day 2 we hired a scooter and made the trip in 9 minutes. 
  • There wasn't much to do in the area and what there was my wife didn't want to do in case 'the boys' had booked it as part of the retreat activity program when they arrived later in the week. 
  • Apparently my wife didn't know what the guys had pre-booked, but she was confident I would be able to join in.
  • As it turned out, I wasn't. The retreat was a bonding exercise and since I was not a member of the pod I was unable to participate. No scuba diving or sailing for me!
  • The retreat started at 7am with yoga followed by breakfast and then they drove to a nearby resort (what?!) for the day for their 'workshops'. 
  • Basically once the official retreat started I only saw my wife again at about 10.30pm, when they all returned from dinner at a local restaurant and drinks in a bar. (But I would see her for about 20 minutes at 5ish when they all came back to the Lodge to change for the evening - that's when I saw that my wife had actually packed some fancy outfits after all)
  • Luckily the area was not a happening place, because I know from experience these high flying achievers normally wouldn't even think about heading home until well after midnight.
  • The exception was the last night of the retreat when I was allowed to join them for dinner and drinks afterwards. After the drinks we went to a local 'club' where the night previously my wife had been seriously hit on by a hot lesbian and the boys all wanted to see if it would happen again. (Or they wanted me to see it?) 
  • I could tell from the way my wife told her version of the story enroute that she also wanted to see if it would happen again. 
  • The lesbian was not there, but if you want to know why my wife was hit on it's because she looks like this.
  • The Eco Lodge was in a remote area and there was not much to do or see. Honest. I spent a lot of time just scootering around and taking photos. In the evenings I would watch Netflix shows I'd downloaded.
  • It was not the greatest vacation we've had and I often wondered why she had brought me.

I think she brought me because she was embarrassed she'd forgotten our 25th anniversary. Because I was a late addition I was seated down the back of the plane while she flew up the front (the privilege of booking early). On the return flight it was the same thing but she upgraded herself to business class because some of the other BNG guys were seated there. She sat next to the guy who I know has the hots for her. He's always asking her if she has a sister and can she set them up?

Anyway, I see in my haste to get this down I have omitted the most important part - by which I mean 'most important to me'. We only had sex twice that whole week, and both of them were non penetrative. We only had sex twice because once the other guys arrived and took up residence in their adjacent tents there was no way my wife was going to have sex with me.  They might hear!

But I had anticipated exactly that, hence my desire to make sweet love to her before they got there (in three days time). The problem was that when we got there my wife (who had previously told me to wait til we got there) told me we couldn't have sex because her period was due. Hmmmm, okay, we can do other things, I'm not a neanderthal. 

When I asked her if she'd brought lube and her vibe she answered "No", which surprised the shit out of me. These past few years she's always brought those with her, even if the majority of times they'd never been used. Because we hadn't had sex (or if we had, it was only once). Straight away I realised that this vacation was not going to be a romantic anniversary get-away and that my wife had not planned (or been inclined?) to have any sex. 

As you can imagine this did not put me in a good mood and my self esteem was hammered. Our three days together seemed to really just be a holding pattern until the BNG guys arrived. Those eight charming rich dynamic captains of industry, half of whom were married, yet only half of those were bringing their family on this family retreat. But their families weren't coming until after the retreat finished. So it wasn't a 'family retreat' at all. It was just me, on my own, hanging around like a third wheel.

Which brings me to the other reason I think she brought me: because she wanted me to see it wasn't much fun and that she wasn't out every night partying with the guys. 

She must think I'm stupid.

This retreat was crap because we were in a damned 'Eco Lodge' in the middle of nowhere with no facilities! Even the other guys were unimpressed and saying next year they'd be returning a traditional resort, to a place where there was decent nightlife. I'm not stupid because I know these guys. They (even the married ones) (especially the married ones?) just want to party and meet girls and pretend they're frat boys again.  Already a few of them are lobbying to go to Tahiti next year. Tahiti!

And my wife is planning to fly solo next year, I know it. This time she'll be sure to make certain the retreat doesn't coincide with our anniversary, I know it. 

At least now, after 25 years, she will finally remember the date we got married. I think.

*not really Costa Rica, just similar. I'm throwing you off the scent.

No comments:

Post a Comment

We welcome comments but hate SPAM. If you are a spammer we will not only delete you but actively report you as well.
We encourage frank robust discussion on all subjects within our blog but NO hate speech will be allowed. Again, we will actively report this.