Monday, July 3, 2017

OPP: Baggage Free Sex

Okay, this might be a little different from the usual format of my previous OPP posts, in which I take an excerpt (or two) from another Person's Post and use that as a catalyst to write my own (usually by way of adding my own comment or reaction to what they've said). So bear with me if it seems to meander a little to begin with... we'll get there!

Gemmi72 writes a blog called Corrupting Mrs Jones, which details how her marriage evolved into an 'open' one, meaning she and her husband have sex with other people. She begins her post 'Baggage Free Sex' with:
I read a post recently by Andee that re-ignited a few thoughts that have been percolating in my mind for a while. In her post Andee raises the question “What do men get out of watching their wife have sex with another man?”
That's a question I have often pondered, since it holds held no appeal to me. I can't say it holds any real appeal now either, but as my sex life dwindles I find myself pondering what I'd be be willing to do/accept in order to maintain some sort of sexual connection with my wife. Some of those 'hotwife' stories on Literotica are quite exciting, but as is often discussed on this blog, they're written that way and the reality is a lot more complex than the fantasy. Most sex bloggers who swing will tell you that themselves.

Whilst I would definitely be interested in seeing what my wife looked like (and how she responded) when having sex with someone else, I think the interest is more anthropologically driven than erotic. If we really did it, it would be because I wanted to do it for her because she wanted it, not me. Which is just as bad as a wife not wanting to do it but doing it anyway to please her husband. Most swingers will also tell you that this is not the way to approach it - both partners need to be 100% on board with introducing other lovers into the mix or it will all end in tears.

In the Literotica fiction it usually ends with the reluctant wife finding she absolutely loves it afterall, and becomes a total slutwife, leaving her husband in the dust as she gets it on with everyone. And if it's a story with a reluctant husband they also usually end with him loving it, and he quickly becomes a happy cuckold - serving drinks for the guys screwing his wife, and cleaning up their cum afterwards in a further act of humiliation. I think it's the latter that puts me off the most - watching your wife get fucked by another man is one thing but the idea of having to 'clean up' afterwards makes me gag*.

But I see I have veered off (as I often do) on a tangent already, after just one simple introductory excerpt. The point I wanted to discuss, the part which made me choose Mrs Jones for this OPP, was this bit:
In my own experience Mr Jones and I have addressed this question (“What do men get out of watching their wife have sex with another man?”)several times. Every now and then I encounter a man who I have a deep sexual connection with. These men get me, we share kinks, ideas, fantasies and for some unexplained reason sex with them can be mind boggling. These relationships always push boundaries and sometimes they threaten to spill over into fully blown romantic love but at the end of the day the men I have this connection with are not men I could form a life partnership with.
Actually that wasn't the bit (it's coming next, I promise!) but it's also salient. As I've commented previously in this blog, I am well aware of the sexual fantasies my wife has from seeing her Literotica browsing history, and her choice in Kindleporn. I have even tried to incorporate some of these into our sexlife - either covertly or by openly asking her if she wants to try [insert less-than-vanilla activity here]. She rebuffs these attempts, and if pressed ("why not, you like those stories") insists they're fantasy stuff only and she would never want to do them in real life.

My take on this is that my wife can't see me as the man she imagines in her head delivering the wicked, debasing punishments and sexual ecstasy she experiences in her fantasies. It's a gender reversal of the Madonna/Whore Complex, which is typically ascribed to men. How can the loving husband who's been at her side through thick and thin; and supported her by giving up his work to be the house dad as she climbs the corporate ladder and then launches her own hugely successful million dollar business be the same guy to dominate her in the bedroom?

Love or hate the book/movie, how seriously could you take Mr Gray in '50 Shades...' as your dark, brooding and kinky lover if you also saw him farting, or spitting out a mouthful of food that he thought tasted gross? It's the realities of life that can destory fantasies. Which is why I have genuine respect (and envy!) of people/couples who can put all that crap aside and live out their fantasies. Or at least find a way to incorporate them into their everyday lives. Swingers, for instance, don't swing every night of the week - it may just be once or twice a month or once every three or four months. People into BDSM are not (usually) being thrashed daily, and don't tell me a bukkake party is an easy thing to organise... my point is, if you have sexual fantasies they require a bit of effort to make happen.

But I've digressed again. The real point I want to make is that my wife can't see me as a lover who can do the 'nasty' stuff because she sees me as a 'nice guy'. I'm her 'sweetheart'.  Her head is to full of the entirety of our life/marriage together that she needs a mystery man to be that fantasy lover. And if you think the solution is for me to 'bring back the mystery' or 'be the fantasy lover' let me tell you that only works in Rom-Com's and Self-Help books - it doesn't fly in the real world**.

And let me explain why by letting Mrs Jones explain why, because she's 100% on the money:
So why do I have such a deep and satisfying sexual connection with [these other lovers]? Why do I see fireworks when we are together? The answer is complex but mainly it is to do with the lack of baggage. 
Mr Jones and I are married. We deal with children, money, mortgages, illness, irritating relatives and a whole plethora of unpleasant issues every day. I see him naked every morning. Which is sometimes sexy but a lot of times not.
(the highlighted emphasis' are mine)
I don’t have these interactions with other lovers. Our whole relationship is based on sizzling hot sex. And when the sex becomes not so sizzlingly hot then I am free to move on - no hurt feelings, no financial issues to settle and no custody battles to fight. It is no-strings-attached sex, sex in its purest form.
And that is exactly why secondary lovers are perfect lovers. There is no fucking baggage! They didn't piss you off for some stupid reason the day before - and if they did you can just kick them to the kerb! Adios amigo, it was great while it lasted but it's not working for me anymore and I don't have to make it work because we aint married!!

And the same applies to erotic fiction.

In erotic fiction when he twists your nipple it sends an electric shockwave straight to your vagina, and your pussy burns hot with a hunger that can only be quenched by the immediate insertion of his erect penis. In real life if your husband twists your nipple it sends a bolt of pain across your entire breast and you're like "Ow! WTF was that for?" Another reminder that your inept husband is no Christian Gray.

So in a nutshell, Gemmi72 has explained why my wife can't let her hair down and explore her deeper darker sexual fantasies. I don't match the image in her head of the guy who's going to do all those things to her and bring out her inner sex goddess because I'm the nice guy she's known and been married to for over 20 years. I'm like an old leather jacket that looked pretty damn hot 'n sexy when she first wore it decades ago, but now looks dated and a little out of style. Sure, it will still keep her warm if she needs it, but what she really wants is something that will make her feel sexy. And other women jealous. (Or is that just my wife?)

So that's how things look from my little corner of the universe, but don't let me put words in Mrs Jones' mouth. Check out her post 'Baggage Free Sex' in it's entirety by clicking here and reading it in full, not just the excerpts I've included here.

* Yes, that was a pun.
** Trust me, I've tried.


  1. Great article Nero - even your digressing was good ;-) Its a fair point about "no baggage" sex. Me and my man do try and put aside nights where we live out our bondage fantasies and 7 out of 10 times it works and is great. but every so often its difficult to get in that zone - probably because of the day to day "shit" we go thru together. A positive for us is that we don't have children together and mine are young adults - i think juggling kids and an adventurous sex life would be most difficult.

  2. Yes, I am in awe of the married sex bloggers who manage to get their kink on - even with kids in the picture. (Not the kinky picture - you know what I mean)


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