Wednesday, August 30, 2017

A Matter of Consent

I've always taken a dim view to 'revenge porn' (posting your partner's nude pics without permission) but last weekend's Sinful Sunday: Yoga, Pilates, or Bondage? has raised a few questions about some of the pics I've recently published:

Hi Nero

Lovely to see you joining in with Sinful Sunday but I am a little concerned that you are posting images of your wife without her consent and/or knowledge. Whilst I think it is OK to write a secret blog and not tell your partner about it, I think posting their image as part of it without their consent is not cool.  
Sadly if that is the case then I am going to remove your link from the meme. Sinful Sunday is about being a welcoming, body positive community of people open to anyone regardless of who they are or their photography skills but owning the image and/or having permission to publish it is a vital part of the meme and is covered in the rules, although I am going to amend them to make it clear that posting an image of someone without their consent is not cool. 
If I am wrong about this and in fact your wife is fully aware of what you are doing then please do let me know but having read back through your blog that does not appear to be the case. 
~ Mollyx
Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker 
Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss
and on Twitter @mollysdailykiss

To which I replied:

Hi Molly, 
I can confirm that although she was aware I was taking them, and that I said I might post them online (as part of role play) my wife does not have direct knowledge that I am publishing these images to my secret blog. My wife does know I have previously published similar nude images online (NewbieNudes) and enjoyed the reactions/responses she got to them. She told me at the time to publish more, even though at the time we hadn’t taken any more. Her only concern then (and as I’ve done with these images) is to ensure her face is obscured.  
I mention this only as explanation, and I have no problem with you removing the link from your blog if you feel it contravenes your rules on informed consent/permission. I appreciate you taking the time to communicate directly before removing the link, and I apologize for any distress this has caused you. It is your meme and you should be free to run it the way you want to. 
~ Nero   

So that's the rub of it. I can't get consent from my wife because this is a secret blog (although there are days when I become paranoid she is somehow reading it, since she seems to refer to things in it - or respond to questions/situations raised in it) and yet in the past she has been fine with me posting nude photos - albeit with her face obscured. She actually got quite titillated/excited/flattered/aroused* by the comments on NewbieNudes and for a moment I thought we'd take more photos to upload.

But that didn't happen, and that was then - so what about now? I'm assuming it's okay and that she won't have a problem with it (as long as she can't be recognized) but as the 'Tea Consent' video below shows (at the 2'09 mark) just because someone said Yes to tea last week doesn't meant they want to drink tea today. And the same goes for photos taken of them drinking tea.

*She also got quite titillated/excited/flattered/aroused when I told her (link) I'd jerked off to the photos I'd taken during that 'Dirty Blonde' role play session. But again it did not lead her to offer to take any more so what conclusions should I draw from that, if any?

Mind you, if you've read my blog you'll know my wife is never very proactive about anything sexually adventurous. She always expects me to initiate things. She enjoys it (very much) when it happens, but never asks for it. It is always up to me to say 'shall we try this' or 'do that'. But just because she usually gives passive assent (which is not the same as proactive consent) does that give me the right to publish her pictures here on this blog simply because I think "she won't mind, she'll probably love it"?

I guess we'll find out on Sunday since I'd already created (and scheduled) a great one for the Sinful Sunday September prompt. Not that I can post it there now, since I don't meet their criteria. And whether I post it here on my own blog either remains to be seen - I welcome your input/views on the subject.


This post has also been submitted to Wicked Wednesday even though it does not meet this week's prompt.

click here for more about 'Wicked Wednesday'


  1. Excellent video on Tea! I LOL 'ed.
    I think your wife does actually know about this blog - just got a feeling. Anyways the photo thing is a bit like tagging a person on somewhere like facebook. My friends sometimes used to tag me in photos. I agreed to them taking the photos at the time but did not know they were going to put them on facebook. I found out and told them to take them off.
    Your wife knows you have the photos but may well have not agreed to them being published on a blog - any blog. By the sounds of the last experience you had with her, she would be more than happy to have them online and us all comment about how hot she is. But you didn't ask her if she wanted TEA so you don't know for sure if she is thirsty!
    Its Molly's Meme and rightfully she should decide on rules, as you say.
    Anyway, I'm going to make me and my man a cup of tea now - but i better ask him first ;-)

    1. Hypothetical Q: if my wife gives me permission to post them to Newbie Nudes can I still secretly post them here?

  2. We have playdates with others and when we do, my husband always take pictures of everything that happens. I write about our experiences, and of course I want to post images with it, but I never do without explicit permission of the people in the images. Every time I want to use an image, I mail them and ask for permission. I get that this is a secret blog, but indeed, I can see where it is not a good thing to share her images without explicit consent from her side. What I really love about this post is the adult way in which this matter has been discussed between you and Molly. I have seen conversations like these go to a toddler level...

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Rebel xox

    1. And thanks for sharing yours!

      Maybe I need to find a way to broach the issue with my wife - maybe along the lines of "remember the time I put those photos up on Newbie Nudes?" I could show her the new pics and ask if I can post them to NN.

      Hypothetical Q: if she gives me permission to post them to NN can I still secretly post them here?

  3. yes, Marie has raised an excellent point here - both Molly and you have behaved like adults. I wouldn't expect anything less from sex bloggers really - surly to discuss what we do on a daily basis we must me over 18

  4. Hi Nero

    Thank you for listening to my thoughts on this and understanding my points.

    In answer to the question you have posted here about her consenting to you posting the images on NN and as does that then mean it is OK to post them here too, my answer to that is no. If we use the tea analogy that would be like someone saying yes to tea in one restaurant and so then assuming that meant yes to it in every other restaurant. I simplified analogy and not ideal but hopefully you get what I mean.

    I don't think it is OK at all to post images like this of someone on line anywhere without their knowledge and permission. Letting a partner take such images involves a huge amount of trust and can you imagine how damaging it could be to discover that person has broken that trust and shared those images? I know if it was me I would feel violated and be absolutely livid.

    Clearly I do not know your wife and maybe she would be absolutely cool with it but there is equal, if not greater chance in my mind, that she would not be. Sinful Sunday is about people expressing themselves, body positivity, supportive community etc and so for me the images that are linked in need to have been created ethically and that means the people in them know what is happening to their image.



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