Monday, November 13, 2017

TPGMO: What happens when I don't get enough sex?

This porno got me off - check out the tag TPGMO for more

The key to improving oneself is to recognize patterns of behavior and correct when necessary. I'm not sure if I need any correcting but I am recognizing a pattern. It's taken a while but I'm finally recognizing what's been going on (incrementally) for the last 20 years:

  1. When my wife's period is due she secretes pheromones that make me especially horny
  2. When my wife's period is due she starts reading a lot of dirty stories on her kindle
  3. When my wife's period is due she is horny and receptive to sex but (as we've she's got older) it is a very small window and if I wish to open that window I must time it carefully
  4. When my wife's period is due I am especially horny and desperately want to have sex with her. Failing that I want to masturbate.
  5. If I think I might be having sex with her within the next 2-3 days I don't masturbate, which just makes me even hornier.
  6. During those 2-3 days I will flirt with particular women on my (real world) social media accounts i.e. women who are receptive to my flirting. I don't let it go too far (nor do they) but I presume I get the same frisson as my wife does when reading her dirty stories?
  7. During those 2-3 days I will start looking at a lot of sexually explicit images on Tumblr (which I don't normally do) and start downloading them to my iPad. I can't do anything with these images because Instagram (and other social) don't allow nipple shots, bare butts, or nudes. 
  8. So collecting these images from Instagram (which I can't utilize) has clearly become a ritual/fetish as a prelude to masturbation for me.
  9. If I manage to have sex with my wife it will likely be quite good, and possibly a little dirty. (As in dirty sex, not period sex)
  10. If we haven't had sex for some time the sex will be rougher, ruder, and more animalistic. Not romantic.
  11. If I don't get to have sex with my wife it will be because my timing was off and her period has already started. Which makes me angry at myself (for not picking up the signals) and at her (because she never initiates).
  12. I will also be angry at myself (and her) because I could have @#$%ing jerked off earlier that day/yesterday but didn't because I thought we might be having sex (yes, I am a petulant child at this point). The reason I will be mad at her is because she would have fobbed me off with the promise of 'not now, later' and I fell for it. 
  13. I am now 'free' to masturbate without guilt, but now I'm angry: I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner. If I'd done it sooner I wouldn't be in this position i.e. feeling like a desperate old horndog because I had the temerity to want to make love to my wife.
  14. I am now 'free' to masturbate without guilt, but now I'm angry so I gravitate to hardcore fetish/BDSM porn on sites like PornHub and YouPorn. Not the extreme stuff (woman crying in pain, in tears because she can't take it anymore) but the 'genuine' stuff i.e. women in true fetishwear using proper toys and implements i.e. not Playmates dressed in something from the 'fetish' section of Fredericks of Hollywood* tickling each other with feather dusters.
  15. If I'm less angry I'll watch anal porn i.e. something where the man is in the dominant position and the woman is submissive. Pop psychologists can make of that what they will!
  16. Lest you're now creating a mental image of me as Louis CK here, I will say that in whatever porn clips I watch (anal or fetish/BDSM) the woman is always a willing (and happy) participant. I actually recoil from videos where the woman is clearly not into it. [Which is why I can't fathom why/how Weinstein and CK could get off doing what they did, but I digress]
  17. So when I do finally get some 'alone time' to masturbate (not easy when you have a wife and daughter in the same house) it is either good or bad. 
  18. If it's good I have a great orgasm and my blue balls are emptied. The stress washes away. 
  19. If it's bad my blue balls are emptied but the orgasm itself was minimal, because I was angry and not in a good headspace. I'm just as stressed after as I was before. 
  20. There have been many times (in my long marriage) when I've had a massive ejaculation but a fleeting orgasm.
  21. So I guess it's true: your brain really is your biggest sex organ.

And so it was I found myself wide awake very early on Saturday morning - something I've also realized is a side effect of having 'blue balls'. Despite a thoroughly enjoyable Friday night (she met her BFF for drinks at 5pm, her BFF gushed about me being the perfect guy and why couldn't she find a man like me, I joined them for diner, we all had ice-cream afterwards**) when we got home and I kissed and cuddled my wife (no, there was no pawing or groping) I was shot down immediately with "my period has started, you're not getting any so don't work yourself up, sorry"

So I checked my social media accounts, imagined some of my favorite sex bloggers naked (some I didn't have to, since some do like to tweet their naughty nudes), and then decided I better 'get the job done' before my wife and child woke up. So I went to and there at the top of the page was a video they recommended for me. It's the same one as I've embedded at the top of this page. I skipped through the first few 'scenes' before hitting the 25'30 mark, which showed a women in a swing, playing with herself. That caught my attention so I stopped and watched that bit and then two guys turned up (in the video!) and the heat turned up even further.

I don't know what the next scene is (in fact there's a whole hour left to go) because I {ahem} didn't need to watch anymore. My orgasm was 'average' because just as I got close I could hear my wife coming downstairs from the bedroom. Luckily I was in the office in the basement and she stopped briefly in the kitchen, but you wouldn't believe how many times this happens. It's like she has a sixth sense when I'm masturbating, and knows when to cock block me.

Me masturbating creates a quandary for her.

She knows that she herself doesn't want to have sex with me, and she knows I need some relief or I go nutso - but then she also begrudges me masturbating because it's a version of cheating because I'm looking at images of other women i.e. not her. I swear, it's some sort of warped jealousy. And yet it's not like I have a particular liking for a particular pornstar. I'm not the type of dude who fans pornstars on social and visits them at Sexpo/Eroticon etc.

Anyway, for some reason I decided to share the above video with one of my Twitter followers (via DM) because I thought she might like it. But that's a whole other story, which I'll save for Wednesday Thursday (since tomorrow is TMI Tuesday)!


* It's been a very long time since I've been into Fredericks of Hollywood so maybe they have the 'proper' fetishwear there now?

** My wife eating ice cream is a dead giveaway that's she having her period ("I'm bloated already so what does it matter now if I eat this?!") so I should have realized then.


This post has also been submitted to Masturbation Monday. Click the link for stories hotter than this one!


  1. If your wife won't put out she should not mind if you masturbate! Cumming is a biological need for guys - i think ;-

    1. I'm no scientist but... yes!
      But surely women need it too?
      What a cranky world we'd have if no-one ever got off.

  2. Thanks for the video, which i will keep for later. Though I admit I did have a quick skim through. Your piece certainly put the M in Masturbation Monday. As a fellow indulger in this pleasurable pastime I just want to say how much I enjoyed reading this. I also liked your humour which really made me smile.

  3. I think what I absolutely hate the most (other than that you don't get to have as much sex as you want) is that you go into that masturbation session beating YOURSELF up about not being able to have sex in time. That kind of hurts my heart for you.

    I've only experienced the ejaculation (I'm a squirter) without the orgasm thing once...and I did NOT like it. I need my brain involved in the moment too.

    1. Thanks, I wasn't seeking sympathy but I'll take it! :)
      We've had various discussions over the years and my wife is always understanding and determined to find some middle ground for our differing libidos (that's how the 'scheduled sex' arrangement came about). She means what she says when she says it but at the end of the day she always returns to old patterns.
      But yes, it's getting silly and I think I need to stop adjusting my schedule to try and match hers. Monday and Tuesday should be 'me' days! That will stop me getting grumpy :)


We welcome comments but hate SPAM. If you are a spammer we will not only delete you but actively report you as well.
We encourage frank robust discussion on all subjects within our blog but NO hate speech will be allowed. Again, we will actively report this.