Monday, April 30, 2018

#MasturbationMonday ~ Birthday Sex!

In yesterday's post I promised you the Birthday Sex story, so here it is:

We last had sex on February 28 - sixty days ago. During that time my birthday came and went - and we still didn't have sex. Birthdays have become difficult for me - so difficult they have their own tag on this blog. Look at the bottom of this post, or on the right if you're reading on a computer, and click on 'Birthday Sex' and you'll see what I now realize is an ongoing pattern of behavior.

My best birthday present was when I turned 50. My wife flew me to a hotel for the weekend and then revealed she'd got a Brazilian. It was awesome. I dived in straight away and had! She started doing it in subsequent years, as my birthday 'treat' (the Brazilian, not the weekend away) which was great, but she got a little blasé about it. As I detail in this story, she'd get her pussy waxed but then not have sex with me on my birthday - preferring instead to wait for the weekend to give me my 'birthday treat'.

This then became the new thing. She would wait until the weekend after my birthday to have sex with me, which if its a Monday or Tuesday is quite a wait. It's not really Birthday Sex by then is it?  It's kinda soul destroying to think your wife needs a few days to psyche herself up to have sex with you.

This year's birthday was even more soul destroying.

My birthday this year fell on a Friday so I figured this year I must be gettin' something on my actual birthday! Especially since our last sex was Feb 28 - maybe she was 'saving it up' for something special?  This year I didn't get a present, but she told me in the morning she'd got us a reservation for lunch at some hip restaurant. At lunch there was no surprise gift, but she did share with me that she'd tried to organize a dinner with our group of friends (it's the same group of 3 other couples we vacation with) but none of them could make it. Because of the short notice, she blurted out by mistake.

Apparently she'd invited them on Wednesday night, for Friday night. None of them could make it, except for one guy who's wife was going to a function. This would of course be the one guy I have the most tenuous of relationships with, since he was never my friend in the first place, so Yay! it was gonna be a swell birthday. Me, my wife, and him. I would have to make small talk with him while my wife made dinner...

I asked my wife why she hadn't made dinner reservations instead of lunch reservations, and her answer was (I kid you not) "I thought you'd like a home cooked meal for your birthday".  'Yes, thats what every man wants for his birthday' I thought to myself - but I kept my mouth shut. Instead I asked if she had thought to ask 'Bob' & 'Carole' since they were also old friends we hadn't seen for a while (aka my friends). Her face lit up and my wife immediately texted them. Bob could make it but not Carole.

So my birthday dinner at home was a complete sausage fest and (I kid you not) my wife talked to these guys all night, because both of them had business knowledge she could apply to a new business she was thinking of starting. Every time I talked she'd chime in with another thought of her own. Oh what a merry time they had, and they chatted until well after midnight. By the time they'd left and we'd cleaned up the dishes it was late and there was no time for birthday sex.

I thought maybe I'd get my 'Birthday treat' on Saturday night but... no.

Nothing on Sunday either, so that kinda clinched it. I realized then that my wife really had given up all thoughts about having sex with me, and that once again I was unfuckable - even on my birthday. That made me sad but I sucked it up. It is what it is. I decided that we had reached 'that age' and I just had to accept it. You may recall I blogged about this acceptance of my terminal sex life earlier this month.

So I wore my Big Boy Pants with pride, but only for a week. The following Saturday (8 days after my birthday) my wife gave me a great big kick in the nuts. She was getting into the shower and I noticed something odd. It was kinda the way she tried to get into the shower without me seeing her naked. I then realized she'd been doing that a lot lately.

I stepped forward and looked down, catching her as she stepped into the shower. She couldn't hide it - her pussy was bare. She'd had a Brazilian! My jaw dropped.

"I know, I know!" she said, even though I hadn't said anything. "I... got it for your birthday"

Still I said nothing, I just stared at her. Dumbfounded.

She's done this before - waxed herself but then not had sex with me, even though she always claimed she did it for me. The last two times I expressly told her how it made me feel knowing that she'd done 'that' but then decided against getting intimate with me... how it made me wonder if she was doing it for someone else... but the overarching problem was that it really knocked my self esteem.

I told her very clearly that next time I really wanted her to let me know straight away and not wait a week before sharing it with me. I'd said we didn't have to have intercourse, we could just do oral if she preferred. On both occasions she apologized and said she wouldn't do it again. But she did. And this time on my birthday no less.

This time I had no words.

She jumped in the shower quickly (and guiltily) and I took the dog for a walk. I was very angry. I walked that dog for an hour, unable to return home until I'd cleared my head completely.

Sure, I still thought (because I'm a guy, and this is how we think) that maybe, just maybe, she would -now that she'd been outed- be sexually intimate with me that night. It was Saturday after all, our supposed 'Sex Nite'. But no, there was no intimacy whatsoever. Not on Saturday night, and not on Sunday.

By Monday I was already over it. Stress causes cancer IMO and I decided I'm not going to get cancer just because my wife doesn't want to have sex with me. And I'm not going to get cancer worrying about who my wife is getting Brazilians for. It's certainly not me, so I need not concern myself with her it anymore.

One thing I do know - for her birthday this year I'm buying her lunch. And a card. Like the one Donald bought for Melania...


If you like the image above you can see it again in this post from April 11, 2016 What's the deal with Birthday Sex?
This post has also been submitted to Masturbation Monday. Click this link for stories more erotic than mine!


  1. This post was originally 1700 words but I chopped it down to 1100 by ditching the preamble. I'll include it here only for those that like long reads. Or are nosey. It better explains why/how we got to where we are at vis a vis exchanging gifts:

    ""....I haven't told you this story before because it's sad and it depresses me. And it doesn't paint me in a good light. Not that I've done anything wrong, but human nature being what it is you can't help but read my story and think to yourself "Wow, how awful is Nero* that even his own wife of 25+ years won't fuck him on his birthday?"

    *I mean that in the physical sense, since I know you don't think I'm a monster. I've mentioned I'm overweight (but not obese, honest!) and I joke on Twitter that I have a micro-penis (I don't) so when I say I can't even get laid on my birthday it's understandable that you must wonder what sort of Quasimodo I am. (The handsome and charming one of course!)

    Anyway, we last had sex on February 28 - 60 days ago. During that time my birthday came and went - and we still didn't have sex. Birthdays have become difficult for me - so difficult they have their own tag on this blog. Look at the bottom of this post, or on the right if you're reading on a computer, and click on 'Birthday Sex' and you'll see what I now realize is an ongoing pattern of behavior.

    The most charitable way of putting it is that my wife doesn't value birthdays in the same way I do, but that's perhaps a tad generous. She loves getting presents on her birthday, and having 'the big dinner out' at a fancy restaurant. That possibly changed at the halfway point of our marriage, when she was on a high income and started to buy expensive things for herself - followed by an income which meant she could (and did) buy anything she wanted at any time she wanted. She didn't have to wait for birthdays or Xmas any more, she just bought it herself.

    Christmas was/is especially farcical because while ostensibly out looking for what she could buy as gifts for others she would see stuff she liked for herself - and buy it! I literally can't buy her anything until the day before Xmas now because only then can I be sure she hadn't already got it (or similar) for herself already.

    That behavior spread to her birthday too. It happened in stages. First she presumably went window shopping for herself, thinking she could give me a hint of what she wanted (or have a friend tell me, as happened one year). That evolved into her telling me directly "I want [this] from [there]" but since I couldn't always afford her suggestions she started buying them herself. Initially this would be the day after her birthday (literally!) but in recent years she has started buying them herself - just before her birthday, like Xmas.

    My birthdays devolved into her waiting til she came home from work to 'give me my gift' (I would always give her a gift [there'd be more than one] at breakfast so she had something to tell her work colleagues when they asked what I gave her) because she'd buy it during her lunch break on the day of my birthday. I knew because she would always leave the receipt in the bag ("In case you want to exchange it") which would tell me what it cost, where she bought it, and when she bought it (it was time stamped). It devolved further into her buying gifts from the store across the street from where she worked, and often after 5.30pm ie on her way to her car after work.

    Hey ho.

    My best birthday present was when I turned 50....""

  2. I like a long read and I'm nosy ;)

    A little glimpse into human nature, good or bad or in-between, honest and maybe a bit sad, you're brave to share. The de-evolution of gift giving is hard to deal with emotionally, it happens easily but can be fixed with patience, communication, love and a well thought out gift/plan to jump-start the mend.

    1. Thanks. I'm well aware I tend to overshare and/or ramble on, but as I say in the header 'this blog is an opportunity for me to vent'. Otherwise I'd go crazy.

    2. We all need our ways to vent. The nice thing about venting via writing, people can read or choose not to. It's a good way to self therapy. ;)

    3. Yes, I do indeed take some small measure of pride that I haven't turned to drink yet.
      (The other self medication)

  3. Its your blog u write as much as you want - i will always try and read when i can. Wishing things wee better for you personally - i think things will come to a head eventually xox

  4. Wow! Thanks for sharing! And yes, I am very nosy! Haha!

    I commend your choice to be the bigger person in all this. That's not an easy thing to do. And good for you that you have found a place you feel safe to vent your frustrations. I, for one, can relate having once had a complicated relationship with an inconsiderate partner. I'm rooting for you!

  5. I feel for you mate. Relationships are so damn complicated. Sex even more so. Thank heavens for blogging I say, keeps me relatively sane, and by the sound of it you too. Big post birthday hugs *if permitted* Indie

  6. I'm nosy AND this is your space, so write it all out, even if it's 1700 words. But I'm also both sad and angry for you. Even if you WERE Quasimodo, there's no excuse for how you were treated on and around your birthday -- this year or any other. ((HUGS))


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