Sunday, April 29, 2018

#Sinful Sunday - Scheduled Sex!

<< When I saw this tweet I couldn't help but reply:

I think about sex a lot. πŸ€”
It hasn't resulted in more/any sex. πŸ˜‚


The thing is, I get what she's saying. Totally.

You can not just stick 'Have Sex' (or 'Date Night' or 'Wash the Pooch' if you're worried someone might see it) into the calendar on your phone and think 'problem solved!'

As regular readers will know my wife and I took up the 'scheduled sex' suggestion from our marriage therapist (couples counsellor, if you prefer) a few years ago and the results were... interesting.

Scheduled Sex is very similar to scheduled Date Night's. You start with a hiss and a roar, everyone is very excited days ahead, the Date is great fun, and everyone is thinking afterwards "Why didn't we do this sooner?"

But then reality sets in and you fall back into old habits. There was that Work Function the night before and you're just too tired, the kids went berserk today  and you're just too tired, it's been a long work week and you're just too tired, and you're just too tired, and you're just too tired.

And if you're not too tired, the outside world steps in. There's a family event on that you can't get out of, a child is sick, a BFF is staying at your place for the weekend, you're going on vacation next month so lets save some money for that...

I'm talking about Date Nights now, of course. My wife does not charge me for sex!

But she has 'postponed' Scheduled Sex until we're on vacation, because (she assures me) "that's when I can really relax, and we can really have some fun in our hotel room". Regular readers will know from some of my previous posts what happened after promises like that. Nothing, just another excuse proffered for why we couldn't.

And that's the point The Desire Girl is making: you can't just schedule sex and think or assume its magically going to happen. If your libido is low and you've made that calendar entry to spur yourself into setting aside some quality time to share some sexual intimacy with your partner (it doesn't always need to be 'full on' intercourse) then good for you!

But you need to go a little bit further.

When the day comes do spend some time in your own thoughts imagining what you'd like do with your partner, or have them do to you. Go out on a date beforehand, or just snuggle up on the couch together and watch a movie (something you'll both like). Don't just roll up to the bedroom at whatever time you go to bed, and then awkwardly look at your partner and mumble something about "The calendar says it's 'Fuck Night' so..."

And if you're the partner with the stronger libido don't just shout "Yippee!" when/if you're partner agrees to try 'Scheduled Sex'.  All it really means is that your partner has agreed on Day X that you're both gonna 'blow out the candles on your Birthday Cake' together. You still need to bake the cake, frost it, and then light the candles first. You still need to get your partner in the mood to blow the candles.

'Scheduled Sex' is simply a tool to get you both 'back in the saddle' and riding together. How well you treat the horse will determine how often you get to ride...

Okay, I'll stop with the metaphors and euphemisms now, it's getting silly. The point is, Scheduled Sex is just meant to be a way to jumpstart an engine that hasn't been firing on all cylinders lately. Damn! There I go again.  Let's take a pictorial break and come back when I can talk with adult words...

Hopefully once you've both rediscovered that sexual spark between you
you can dispense with 'Scheduled Sex' nights because 'Date Nights' will end like this

So, having re-read my words above I'm thinking some of you might be thinking I'm a bit hypocritical. I'm not. Just because it didn't quite work out so well between my wife and I doesn't mean you shouldn't try it. Do as I say, not as I do I've done.

In my case I believe I tried very hard to spark my wife's libido but unfortunately it was never quite enough. When we had sex she would enjoy it (complete with her saying "we need to do this more often") but when 'the next time' rolled around it would once again be a mission to get her into bed. My attempts to 'seduce' or 'woo' her were usually met with 'I'm tired' (together with a meaningless promise to make it up later), and yet she seemingly has no problem reading her dirty stories on Literotica until 2am

As I've also blogged about recently, I've since come to the understanding that my wife does want to have sex - just not with me. I'm not like the men in her stories, the ones that make her wet.

While that is personally disappointing for me it shouldn't deter you from trying it. Honestly, just because it didn't work out for us doesn't mean it won't work for you. Your partner is not my partner, and as they say in the commercials "results may vary". I do recommend it as something to try if you're finding that your sex life is flagging because you've fallen into a rut or neither of you can seem to find the time to make it happen.

But whether it's 'Date Night' or 'Scheduled Sex Night' the secret to making it work is not to let it become a chore. If it's something you have 'To Do' alongside 'put out the rubbish' or 'mow the lawns' or 'pick up the drycleaning' then you're not doing it right.

I'm typing this post on April 28, meaning it's been exactly two months since we last had sex (see here). Even my birthday party (sometime in the last 60 days) couldn't get her in the mood. That story is a doozy (OMG, the twist!) and I'll tell it tomorrow. [See here]

-~o0o~-

UPDATE: Phew! I caught something just in time, before this scheduled post published!!

Firstly, every word I've said above is true and valid (which is why I'm not withdrawing it) but...

I think I may have misunderstood the point The Desire Girl was making. That's because I was responding to her tweet, and possibly projecting my own experiences onto what she was trying to say. Subsequent to yesterday's Tweet she has overnight also added a link to a blog post that led her to make this tweet, which I only saw this morning.
Think about it. When you first get together, you look forwards to sex because you think about it during the day. You mull it over in your head, re-visist every single second you spent savouring each other, peeling off each others clothes, remembering every delicious change in position or smouldering look. 
Later on down the line, the remembering stops because the novelty wears off. We don’t automatically use our imagination during the day. The anticipations and tease is gone. And so has the desire.
It's a fantastic brilliant post and well worth reading. So in the spirit of #SoSS (Sunday!) I strongly suggest you read it here.

2 comments:

  1. OMG this article!! Love it! We're on two sides of the spectrum as I'm sadly the lower libido partner (also lolz at the "no-one married to me should read this blog".

    I totally agree with all your points actually. You can schedule and it might work for you, but what you've written about (and we're agreed on) is going beyond scheduling- it's about "frosting the cake" and turning yourself on in the meantime, not just rocking up and waiting for that evening.

    I think my main problem with scheduling sex is that personally it created SO much expectation to have sex I felt more stressed because of it. I like your way of thinking and making it a date night instead, that way sex isn't explicit or owed. Hopefully it'll come naturally if you've been looking after yourself :)

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  2. I loved both your posts and you both present very valid viewpoints and strategies. I hope soon you're getting the sex you want with your partners.

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