Sunday, July 22, 2018

Carol’s Fortune Cookies

One of my discarded drafts was about an expensive Asian 'escort' in Las Vegas who was hired by high rollers to bring
them luck when they felt they weren't having any - the complete opposite of the William H Macy character in the movie
  The Cooler. But the set up was too long and I was uncomfortable with the idea of calling an Asian prostitute 'Cookie'  

I am enjoying participating in the Smut Marathon and I will continue for as long as I can. I survived Round 6 by the skin of my teeth! Luckily for me there were enough people who found it 'cute' enough to just squeak through. But there were plenty of others who found it lacking in erotica - and for good reason! I was actually on a cruise ship and wrote the story very quickly, just before the deadline. That's why there is no real sex in it - I simply ran out of time.

I'd written four drafts while on the ship, but they all spent so long in their preamble I discarded them completely. I also had no internet connection (so expensive on a ship) and it looked like I wasn't going to enter this round after all - but at 11.45pm (Dutch time) I decided 'Dammit, just do it' so I did. (The catalyst was that I'd just found my wife's log in codes - she'd bought a wifi package on the ship)

Some of the comments included:
"An amusing and cheeky story which cleverly captured the dynamics of a stale relationship, a bold wife and a slightly reluctant husband. (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…)"~ you liked it so I agree with you! 
"I don’t think it ever works to correct your first sentence in your second: it doesn’t give me, as a reader, any confidence in the writer. I thought that having the sex ‘advice’ contained in fortune cookies was going to be contrived, but having the advice relate to Chinese food/culture took the curse off it a little. My main issue with this, though, was the almost complete absence of sex."  ~ yeah, guilty as charged about the lack of sex.  
"This definitely has potential but I found Shane’s complete turnaround from reluctant and almost sulky to tossing her around the room a bit jarring. I do like the premise for the story but I think it needs a bit if reworking so it flows better."  ~ Yes, it definitely could've been written better - especially if I gave the impression he was suddenly throwing her around the room. I should have said he stood her up at the table and led her to the sofa.  
" I love the premise of this story, and wish there was more. However, the lack of erotic action makes this feel like it was over before it started. I wish there was some more action to enjoy."  ~ Agreed. I shall do better next time ie include some actual sex, and not just allude to it! 
"Plausible scenario and the fortunes themselves were funny. I didn’t find this particularly erotic, however, and I wasn’t sure why the hen night was needed – it felt like a device you were using just to introduce the cookies and other props."  ~ It was definitely a device. I thought it was the best way to introduce the concept of novelty fortune cookies, otherwise it might seem a strange/random purchase. Fortune cookies don't normally come with sex advice/tips.

Anyway, I wrote what I wrote and finished it how I finished it. For Round 7 I promise there will be more Smut!

Below you will find my Round 6 entry. The assignment for Round 6 was 'Fortune Cookie'. Yes, it was as simple as that, giving writers free reign to write almost anything. Like some other readers I marked down entries that did not make (IMO) good enough use of the fortune cookie in their story. 


Carol’s Fortune Cookies (Entry #16)

Shane and Carol looked at their fortune cookies with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. Actually Carol was excited and Shane was anxious. His wife had come home from a ‘Hens Night’ three nights ago with a vibrator, flavoured lube, a deck of nude playing cards, and a box of Fortune Cookies with X-rated advice inside each cookie.

Carol had told her husband matter-of-factly that she wanted to spice up their sex life and try new things. She said these items would be a great icebreaker and make it all fun. Shane wasn’t so sure about that but his wife had cooked a delicious Chinese stir fry and now it was time for the Fortune Cookies.

“Let’s open them together” said Carol, “we can choose to do one or both, but we can’t choose neither”

“What if they’re stupid?” mumbled Shane, who was feeling decidedly uncomfortable at his wife’s newfound sexual aggression.

“C’mon!” scolded Carol, “it’s going to be fun – here we go, on three…”

Carol mouthed the countdown and on three they both broke open their folded cookies together. A broad grin broke over Carol’s face as she read hers, but Shane looked quite perplexed. He’d always been a bit slow on the uptake.

“What does your’s say?” asked Carole.

“Uh… um” hesitated Shane, “Confucius say: Make love like a Chinaman – fuck her fast and quick. And twenty minutes later she will be hungry for more!”

Carol burst out laughing. “Oh, we’re definitely doing that!” she quipped.

“What does yours say?” replied Shane.

“Confucius say: Sucking cock is like eating noodles. The longer you slurp the better the meal!”

“Hmmmm” mused Shane, “that sounds like foreplay before I fuck you like a Chinaman!”

Carol giggled as Shane stood up from the dining table and stepped boldly over to her chair. He pulled her up and then tossed her back onto the adjacent couch in the lounge. Standing in front of her he unbuckled his pants and let them drop to his ankles.

Twenty minutes later as they both lay on the couch spooning he asked quietly “shall we try another fortune cookie?”

2 comments:

  1. How funny I posted my SM6 entry on my blog today too ;-) I have liked all your entries - I often think to my self how good you could be if you put some time and effort in to your entry rather than leaving them to the last minute - I think excellent is the answer - u are a great writer...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, you’re very kind.
      Yes, I agree I could do better if I devoted more time to writing, however in this instance it was quite difficult. I was on a cruise ship with my family and it wasn’t really possible (as I had planned) to find time to write. The one time I did my wife snuck up behind me and asked me what I was writing! That was why I finally ended up writing this entry at about 11.45pm - the rest of the family had gone to bed and found a spot in the ship’s library to write.

      Delete

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It’s goodnight from me.